Thread: Messed Up Stuff

So.. a few years ago I started hanging out with someone (we will call him J) who I had a crush on for a very long time. He ended up moving back home from the south to essentially "be with me" but we were never coined as bf/gf.. although, we acted like it a lot.. we always hung out, dates, phone calls, sex, etc. Well, about 5 months later, he just stopped talking to me for no reason whatsoever. Apparently, he did that before to his now ex-wife.. which she was a total bitch who deserved to be left.. but, me, not so much. It really fucked me up because I could have happily lived my life with him, he was always good to me. I was upset for quite some time after that.

A few months later, I decided to start dating other people. Met a few guys randomly and eventually met my now bf, who I have been with for two years. I love my boyfriend. He is absolutely amazing, we get along great, he is very nice, etc. etc. (and yes, we have sex, too)

Now, for as long as I can remember, J has been showing up in my dreams. Here and there every now and again, and every time I wake up.. I want my dream to be true. Mostly they are just reminiscent dreams of how things used to be.. sometimes sexual, but not always. I miss J, and I feel like I never had closure from our relationship, whatever it was. More recently though, as in the past week, I had FREQUENT dreams (also, these were ONLY sexual) about J.

When I wake up in the morning on Friday, half asleep, I write him on myspace telling him about the dreams and that I want to fuck him to make the dreams go away. I felt like, if I give my subconscious what it wants, maybe I will stop having dreams about him. He replies back that "he is surprised, but would be an idiot to refuse" and texts me later that "he thinks he can solve my problem." I text back and he agrees to come up Saturday night after I am finished with work. I was nervous all day long and while I felt weird to know I would be cheating on my boyfriend, I know that he will NEVER find out, so I never felt BAD about it. Also, I have already had sex with J, so I don't feel as dirty for wanting to fuck him.

So, anyways, Saturday night, J comes up. He sits there for a minute and says that he feels awkward a little bit. I tell him let's get to it, then. So, we get to fucking. He asks "was this like your dream?" and truthfully, it was even better than my dream.. it was damn hot sex. We go at it a few times and in between, we talk about stuff, nothing serious though and not particularly personal.. new jobs, sports, etc.

Now, the thing that gets me is: a) I DON'T feel bad for cheating on my boyfriend, because he will never find out b) I want to fuck J again.. and again.. and again.. if he would ever text me and ask to come up, I'd hop on that as quick as possible.

What I DO feel bad about is that I DON'T feel bad about for cheating and wanting to fuck J again. The sex was incredible and I could definitely get into a habit of fucking J on a regular basis, while staying with my boyfriend. I don't think I would do it forever.. just until I had enough.. kind of like I could get MY closure, because I could say, "okay, I'm done with you now." This is pending J's approval, I sent him a text this morning that said, "you know how to get me."

I just had to get that shit off my chest since.. I have no one else that I can tell without it possibly getting back to the boyfriend.