Thread: Sun's Down Lets hit the Strip

The Sun's down, lets hit the strip!

Being there is a sudden trend for us Guru's to write essays on the things we know, I'd thought I'd follow Dragon's lead and write about something I know a lot about. Since he's stakes his claim to the wild wilderness of the woman's body with great success, I'm going into my own world here, an since you didn't come to Stupid-boy.com to debate the NHL or learn the best way to land a trophy Bass we are gonna talk about… DA CLUBS!!

Ok, some of the loyal Stupid-Boy fanatics are not yet old enough to venture into this dark and mysterious underworld but one day they will be and this are some juicy tips. For those that are, I'm not talking about your Mom and Pop watering holes, or your NFL sports bars. I'm talking about rhythmic music pounding your body in shock waves, giant security guards that look like they are straight out of a Mad Max sequel, and yes… Exceptionally beautiful women. If there is no cover charge for us guys, it's not a club. So here are a few pointers for those courageous enough to venture out into the late night and get a sample of my world.

Part I: The Pre Game

You can't play football without the right equipment (well you can, as long as you have great health coverage) and a night out at the Club is no different. Here are a bunch of things you shouldn't go without.

Money! Yes you're gonna need it, but I'll give you some tips on how you budget it wisely.

A Lighter, even if you don't smoke, cigarettes, if you do. I'll explain later.

A way home. Don't drink and drive. Take a bus, train or cab if it's possible, if not, you bring a buddy who doesn't drink.

A Cell phone. Good in emergencies (too much vodka!) great for storing obtained digits.

Breath Mints. In a club hearing is hard to do, so you have to work a girls two other major scenes, her sight and her smell. If you've been smoking non-filters and downing shots of tequila your breath will be offensive. Keep a pack of Certs, those Listerine slips or Winterfresh gum handy at all times.

ID. If you are like me and look underage bring two forms, and make sure they have pictures on it. If you can't get in, it's a wasted effort.

Condom. Yes, kid even you can get lucky. It's better to have one and not need it, then need it and not have one. Something to remember about them: they deteriorate, especially in tight warm places. Don't keep a rubber in your wallet more then a day, because your ass does get warm and the latex will break down. Keep it in the dashboard of your car until you're going out and if you don't use it for a month or so, chuck it. (They are cheap, don't be stingy. Kids are more expensive!) Later on, when you are a pro, you can have a little bag you keep in your car, condoms, handcuffs, motion lotion, whatever your mind lusts for, but for now lets get real.

Ok, before you head out you have a lot of prepping to do. In a world of concussion-like music it's all about the Image. Yeah, you're a deep guy, you like poetry, yoga and walks on the beach, but the first thing those girls are gonna see is YOU! Cleanliness is next to godliness.

First off, Shave. Leave the scrub for the backpacking trip in Maine. It's okay when you are around your buddies but for tonight you have to look like a million bucks, even if you don't have any. Clean fingernails, ears, hair and armpits, and for god's sake brush your teeth. Cologne is good as long as you don't go overboard. I've been at a club and overwhelmed by some guys CK. Just a little; you don't want to fumigate the place. You can go all out or you can go simple. I like Polo Sport, not too expensive and I get good reaction. You can even in a pinch wear the Impostor scents. They smell remarkably similar to the real thing and cost ten dollars.

Wardrobe is important. Dress nice, some places will not let you in with your dirty tank top and jean shorts. You have to know the dress code of the place you're going to. Here is an insider tip: If you want to wear trendy and expensive stuff but don't have the loot shop at Nordstrom's. I know, I know, that place is really expensive. Here is the loophole. You buy a Diesel shirt for $90, but keep the receipt and the tag on. Two days later bring it back. It may sound stingy but it works, trust me. The guys who roll up in the German cars that their father pay for, wearing Armani, they are doing it. No one will notice until the next morning when they are rolled up in a ball at the foot of strange girl's bed and by then it doesn't matter. Dark is better in my opinion. Most importantly, dress in what you are comfortable in. If you are uncomfortable in your threads it will show. You can go in something as simple as a plain black, ribbed T-shirt from Structure that goes for $15. If you are wearing dark pants and dark shoes, DON'T wear white socks.

If you're a big athletic guy, show off your muscles, they are great for obtaining those crucial second glances. If you're not packing the "Guns", you still wanna wear something tight. Don't wear XXL if you fit in a M, because it just exaggerates your diminutive size.

Nice shoes are great, but if you've just bought a pair, break em in, because your feet will hurt. I have a pair of nice trendy sneakers by Steve Madden. Lightweight, good grip and easier to dance in.

You can accessorize if you want with some glasses, Kenneth Cole, CK or something else. Also body glitter (if your muscle laden and wish to show off) colored eye contacts and a nice watch as long as its not a Casio calculator watch.

If you are doing an impression of the Living dead, get a tan. If you can't hit a beach, hit up a tanning salon. They are cheap, effective and look a lot better then sunless tanning lotions. You want to be a nice olive color, not look radioactive.

So you are all dressed, now what. Grab a six pack! At your local liquor shop a six pack of fine Dutch imported beer goes for $6.50. Here in New York City a beer can go for as much as $8 a pop, in NJ its about $4.50 a bottled import. Save your money, you are gonna need it. The beer will help you loosen up.

Ok, check yourself one last time in the mirror and let's go have some fun.

Part II: Going to the Club

The club scene is very migratory. The crowds seem to move with the seasons. You have to find a place that's hot. There are web sites available that provide information about special appearances, DJ's, VIP specials and more. There is one here in NYC called www.Outq.com that I like, that will give you directions and dress codes. Hey, that solves that problem! Radio is another media that could give you a tip on a hot place to hit up.

Don't go alone! Always go with at least two other people. Again, I will explain why later. Patience.

Bouncers have the luxury to be jerks, cuz they are really big and strong. They can put a halt to a night quick and easy. You've got to get past them to get inside. First tip, bring women. If they are not your significant other or even a possibility you'd be with them, it doesn't matter. A bouncer is going to let girls in fast then guys, and if you show up a dozen guys deep he's gonna give you a hassle. If you have girls with you he's gonna be easier on you. He's been instructed to get girls in that bar. The more females, the more males that will come. Also, it helps to have a regular place. After a while the bouncers will get to know your face. The first time don't try to crack a joke and get the guy to laugh. He's there to break skulls, not to review up and coming comedic talent. Hand him your ID and don't fidget, just look calm. If you look nervous he will get suspicious and start asking you your date of birth and eye color and even (yes I got this once!) your astronomical sign. Next thing you know he will be patting you down and every guy knows that's no fun.

Cover charges can range from $5 to $30 or more. Good thing you bought that six pack because you are gonna need your money. Some bars have VIP nights where the first 100 people or so get a VIP card. Those help a lot. Pay attention to promotions. If you can't get there that night, keep frequenting a place you like. Again, bouncers, shot girls and bartenders start to remember you and you may, down the line get a nice hook up.

Ok, brace yourself. You are in!

Part III: Inside the club

STOP GAWKING AT THE SILICONE! Didn't your mother tell you about staring? Yes, that blonde with the tight, low cut shirt is wearing that to get noticed, not drooled on. If you start staring you'll look ridiculous and they will be repelled by you. It's ok to look but not to stare.

Make your way to the bar. If you've gotten here early enough it's not yet crowded and that's good! If it's a hot place in 40 minutes that bar is going to be four people deep. Here is where your saved cash is gonna matter. HUGE DPUCK INSIDER TIP! I've taught all my friends this move. Find a female bartender. The guy bartender is gonna pick the girl in the tube top over you no matter who is first, plus, the gals are better to look at. Buy a beer while the bar is not congested. $4.50. You should be compelled to tip her a buck or two. HOLD IT! I slide her at least a 10 spot, sometimes $20 if the night looks to be packed! Yes, you are thinking I'm crazy, that's justifiable, but here's the reason. She gets that $10-$20 tip you've just made her night. You are her favorite customer in that whole bar. The second beer you'll give her $5-$10. Before you know it she will be giving you a free beer on her and when that Bar is as crowded as a NY subway during a bus strike, she will see you in a flash. Suddenly you are that Girl in the tube top! This is why we save our money and also drink prior to the club and will indeed come in handy when you've netted that elusive hot blonde.

Now, those girls you brought with you, your cousin, your best girl pal etc., get away from them. Don't stand too close to them but don't avoid them like they are lepers. If you are spending your attention on them girls may get the notion that you are a couple. If you avoid them too much, you might come off as playing for the other team.

Fights. They are bound to happen. Avoid getting into a fight as much as you can, you are not impressing anyone but your drunken friend. If there is a fight next to you, get the hell out of the way. If you are standing next to a guy who just rung someone else's bell, you may be thought of as his friend and get a fist right in the kisser. A lot of brawls start out this way. Move away because in a few seconds Conan The "Skull Crusher" will be beating these two guys with his metal Mag-Lite and you don't want to be caught up in that.

Something I have said a million times: Don't look bored, desperate or out of place. Desperation is woman repellent. Stop fidgeting, darting your eyes around and take your hands out of your pocket. If you look like you are having a good time, you will look like a good time. Walk in the place like you own it. Ok… Now are you ready to dance?

Grow a pair and get moving. You don't have to be with a girl to dance at a club, just move and have fun. Leave the glow sticks at home. There is nothing more annoying then that weird guy who looks like he's on acid spinning those neon sticks around and bumping people.

What? You can't dance? It's easy. Feel the beat. You're not at a Dave Mathews Concert, you're here to dance. The beat is the most integral part of dancing. Ok, start simple. Here are the major points of motion. Your feet, knees, hips, shoulders and head. Start with the feet. Most club tracks have a simple one-two-one-two rhythm. Keep up with that once you've caught it. You wanna learn some good moves, keep your eyes open. See that guy with the cut off Custo shirt and the freaky tattoos on his steroid induced biceps? Watch what he does, pick a move you like and do it and do it and do it until you've got it down. Then watch for another. That's how we build a repertoire, just leave out the "Running-man", "Robot" and the "Mashed Potato". When you go home, get a mirror and try 'em out and see what you look like.

Part IV: Getting the Blonde

Scoring with women is like fishing. The more you put your bait in the water, the better chance to catch the fish. You also got to find what works and that changes. Change things up if it isn't landing the girl. The more you try, the more you will succeed.

By now you are the new millennium's Mr. Saturday Night Fever. Look around you and spot the single women. There are different kinds and each has a different approach. You'll see a group of girls together numbering more then four or five. Hold up on that. One might catch interest but there is a good chance it's a "Girls night out" and you'd just be rudely crashing their party. You might see a drunk girl doing a striptease on a couch by herself. She's wasted and probably an easy catch. Think first, she's probably done this before and you don't know where she's been, but if all else fails and she hasn't been coerced yet you can have that to fall back on. There will be a few girls, all dolled up but standing at the bar or dance floor looking on. There dressed up cuz they wanna meet a guy but a little intimidated. It's like a deer in your headlights. Feel free to make a move. In a loud environment like this talk is limited unless there is a balcony or lounge that would be quieter. You can talk to them just as you would to any girl anywhere else. Use humor, a laugh goes a thousand miles. If she goes to light a cigarette break out that lighter I told you to bring. My, how thoughtful and prepared you are!

There are simple tricks to find out if a girl is checking you out: prolonged eye contact or the quick dart away when you catch her looking, smiling and, hey maybe a chick comes up to you.

But since we are already on the dance floor that's wear we are going to stay for now. For a beginner, the girls that are already dancing with a guy are out of bounds, but there will be a lot of girls dancing with another girl. Bingo. She wants to get noticed and who better then you? Move in but don't grope her, just start dancing close by them and try to make eye contact. If they look and turn around that's your cue you didn't succeed. Try another pair.

If one does come in for the lure start dancing. Feel her out, cuz that's what she's doing. Take little advances if she keeps dancing close. Get her hand on her hip or back and let your Polo Sport work its magic. After some time you can offer to buy her a drink or just to talk.

Ah! Thank god we tipped that barmaid the $20 because you don't have to wait and this girl is thinking maybe you're somebody special. (Thanks DPuck for that great tip!) Buy her a drink, do a shot with her and get yourself water.

Water? Yes that wasn't a typo. Alcohol dehydrates your body and you'll feel like you've been hit by a truck in the morning. It also effects your performance in the sack if you are lucky. You've had enough to lower your inhibitions but you don't want to be a fool or incoherent. Physical touch is key when sweet-talking a girl. Brush your hand along her arm, put a hand on the small of her back and make eye contact as mush as possible. Again, use your techniques of smooth talking to work your way into her heart. You can get her number if your good, or her car keys if your great depends on the girl and/or the situation. If not, just get back on the hunt. Having friends that are reliable can help a lot. I like to work as a team, another guy and I; it's easier to approach women with back up. Play off each other, build each other up and take turns being the aggressor. Sometimes you have to be a pal and dance with her ugly friend.

At this point, when you do get lucky, turn to DragonKnight for advice on how to proceed and succeed.

Welcome to the world of clubs!

Extra Credit I: The Bachelorette Party 1000 points extra

Congratulations, you're becoming a regular DPuck. By now you've won over a few lucky ladies in your journeys to the nightclubs. Let's add some challenge to the game. If your like me and find attached women to be an alluring catch you will enjoy this one.

Every so often you will run into a group of ladies enjoying a Bachelorette party. One will be wearing a white veil. Oh how enticing.

To catch this one you need to have teamwork. Those gals are never alone and while they are all trying to kick back and get wild there will always be that one or two friends that will stop her from doing anything TOO crazy, like cheating on her soon to be husband. First establish which one of you is going for the Fiancée. The other guy's job is to keep her maids-of-honor occupied so they can't intervene. When you are putting on the moves it is important to keep her mind off her wedding. Don't bring it or her man up at any time and avoid anything that could lead up to it. She's there to have fun, and you have to be that fun. Keep her drinking and smiling, and get her on the dance floor and show her all the moves you now know. This is a hard one and nine times out of ten you will not win, but there is always that one girl out of ten, trust me.


Extra Credit II: The barmaid 1500 extra points

She's the hardest gal in the place to get. Why? Because she gets hit on all night long every night. This is even harder on packed nights.

You want a barmaid? Hey you've tipped her huge all night long, you smile when you talk to her and make eye contact. You've even got her to laugh. Now what? Drop a really nice but not tacky compliment at the end of the night and leave.

Yes, leave. Your not one of those desperate guys that hit on her like a piece of meat. You're different. You are generous (big tipper), a good dresser (nice Nordstrom's shirt) polite (smile), funny and charming. You are not after her body (ha, yeah right!) you are just a nice guy.

You're gonna go back there next weekend. You are gonna find her at the bar and, alas, she remembers you. Now's the time to strike up that conversation. Nope, you're not gonna ask her for her number. That is the next week's score.

Well that's all I can think of to help you on your midnight travels. I'd love to hear about your success stories or failures, comments, questions or criticisms. Feel free to Private Message me or send me an E mail at DPuck311@yahoo.com

I know this topic is old, but good god man, excellent guide I presume.

I've only been in like 3-4 clubs due to other constraints, but I hope to visit some soon. While there, I didn't really see the appeal because I was on enough drugs to kill a large bull moose, but I got the idea to hit on chicks, which mostly came out as "so uhhh, these fucking lights are nice, aren't they, fucking, it's like a zoo display."

Sounds fun though. I wana be a VIP.