Thread: Stupid, Anorexic Brain.

Well, this is kind of a rant, but if you have any ideas, feel free to give me them.

I don't even notice often when I'm hungry, because I've become so good at ignoring hunger, that it happens half-consciously now. I'm "trying to gain a bit weight", or so I tell myself. My ribs are slightly visible and ugly, and I'm more than aware that my bony knees and pelvic bones that stick out aren't attractive. Yet, at the same time, I'll freak whenever my weight goes any above 112 lbs. I realise that I'm a bit thin-ish when I look in the mirror, and that makes me happy, but go "I've only a bit more to lose and then I'll be fine". Stupid, stupid me.

Not eating is too bloody damn easy. For example; today: I get up at noon, eat 2 dl of yoghurt, and decide to wait until the dinner before eating any more, to "not fill my stomach up before dinner". So I work, drink a shit load of water while working, don't get hungry at all, and suddenly it's 5/6 pm and my parents are making coffee and ask me if I want coffee and a croissant. I say yes, drink the cup of coffee, eat a croissant, start eating a doughnut, get too grossed out by it after eating a half of it and leave it on the plate. I go back to working. At 8 pm or something I realise that my stomach is painful, making noises, my hands are shaking, I'm dizzy, highly irritable, a bit nauseous, even more forgetful than usually and I can't seem to think clearly. And only then it occurs to me that maybe, maybe I haven't eaten enough today.

The stupidity of this all is that I honestly thought I'd become saner in terms of food, and now I've realised that it clearly isn't so. I'm lost. I'm afraid mum will notice that I'm still a bit anorexic/bulimic, and with her being the most unsupportive person in the world, I can't have her figuring it out. I'd love to heal, to be sane and healthy, but I can't even tell my mother that I still have problems with food, because her idea of support is shooting me judgemental, dirty looks, nagging about my eating habits and asking me 5,000 times a day if I've eaten and what have I eaten. It's just made me lie to her about it. I'd probably need some real, good, real life support on this, but I hate it when people watch closely when I eat. It just makes me feel like they think I'm a 5 year old who can't even feed herself. And seriously. How on Earth can I tell my therapist, when I can't tell her the whole story, including my plans of stopping eating once I move out? I'm just afraid that she'll legally have to tell my mother because I am a bit of a danger to myself, and I can't trust her with any info that might make her tell mum anything, because of the dirty looks my mum gives me.


Anorexia is too easy. Tricking myself into not eating with half-assed excuses happens so automatically that I don't even notice it.



Edit add:
Moreover, when I don't eat, it'll affect my ability to think, to concentrate, to stay reasonable so much that I just can't be sane if I skip meals at this rate.

Originally posted by Gonereah@May 2 2005, 05:34 AM
why cant you just set certian times to eat? like 8:00-12:00-7:00-12:00 or somethin

i duno if it counts but for like 6 months i would always be like "man... i got a gut, i better just not eat this pizza" so i ended up losein like 15 pounds and scared the shit out of myself and started eatin like all hell again cuz i didnt wana be all skinny

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Because I sleep so irregular hours. But yeah, I get your point.