Thread: Things I wish I knew about sex and relationships

I look back into my past and I see an assortment of "learning curves". That is the nice way to say mistakes. Although, if it wasn't for mistakes then I guess we would never learn anyway. In all honesty though there were many things I wish I knew then.

Relationships
I would have communicated more. Seriously. It seems like such an easy thing to say now, especially when I remember how tongue-tied and afraid I was. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, of having it taken the wrong way or worse saying something that would make him not like me anymore. If only I knew that there was very little that I could have said wrong. In fact I did more harm than good by not piping up. I left many men wondering what I was thinking and feeling. In fact I know that my lack of communication ended more relationships than anything I ever could have said.

There is no harm in saying how you feel when you are in a relationship. Sure you want to say things in a manner that is appropriate. But if you hold things in then all it causes is trouble. I was so worried about pleasing the man I was with that I neglected my own needs. They surely could not read my mind - no matter how much I wanted them too. I was the shy type. Afraid to say what I felt, say what I needed. In the end of it all this did so much harm. I missed out on so many experiences just because I feared speaking my mind.

Sex
Oy. Where to start. It is amazing all of the crap that we are fed about sex. Between movies, television, pornography and fairy tales it is amazing that anyone anywhere ever has an orgasm with their partner. To be honest, I have always been a bit lusty. It created many problems. Between the fairy tales of love and my anxiousness to experiment I was very confused.

I thought so many things, most of them wrong, about what sex and love were about. It is so easy to intertwine the two in our minds so that sex becomes love. And that is not the truth. Especially after you have your heart broken by someone that you thought loved you ... only to find out that it was only physical. Thanks to Hollywood and fairy tales it all gets so confused so easily.

Now that that is out of the way, let's get down to the nitty gritty. No one knows when they are starting out what they are supposed to be doing. That is natural. What no one tells you is that in all reality there isn't anything that you are supposed to be doing. By that I mean there is no guideline, no absolutes. Physical pleasure is just that - physical pleasure. In that vein, all that you really need to do is enjoy it and in turn, try to make sure that your partner is too.

As a wee lass, I went along for the ride. Content to do what was expected of me. Or more precisely what I thought was expected of me. Never realizing that faking pleasure and orgasms was doing no favors to myself or my partners. I am sure that many of them would be quite disturbed to find out that they did not bring me to the heights I made them think they did. Of course it wasn't intentional. I was just playing the passive role. Doing what I thought they wanted. How wrong I was. I didn't realize the harm I was doing. In essence I was lying to them and to myself. I was letting us both down by not expressing what I wanted, what I needed.

I was not pleasing my partner by sacrificing myself for them. Nor was I doing them any favors. They were learning about women from me. I, in some ways, feel a bit guilty for giving them a bad example of what to expect. I didn't do it on purpose of course. But that doesn't change the fact that I was in essence giving them bad information about a woman's body and how it works. Of course, I don't lose any sleep over this now. I didn't know any better.

When it comes down to it, the only thing that matters is that each person enjoys themselves. If they are not then there is no point. It sounds like a cliché but it is beyond true: communication is the key. In our culture sex isn't something to be readily discussed. And it is a shame. It seems like it is a little better since my teenage years. But I still hear about far too many gals doing the same things I did. Not speaking up, tolerating what they think the guy wants; in essence just going along for the ride. I think of all the missed orgasms just because I was afraid to speak up and it makes me sad to think that it is still going on. Sex and physical pleasure is a joyous expression of our bodies. 'Tis a pity that so much joy is being missed simply because we don't speak up.

all i have to say about one of my relationships, is that i should have seized the day. The b/f she has now well he reminds me so much of me but the reason why they lasted is because he took his chances