Thread: how to tell the bf about the fb?

Can you just clear something up for me, did you keep your fb as an fb after you got a bf?

no definitely not. i hadn't f'd the fb in around 2 weeks when i first kissed the bf. and especially after that, i made it clear that we were only b's and no longer fb's.
i should also add that i didn't really kiss the fb ever... it was straight f-ing. i don't know why, but that seems pertinent to the sitch... i guess it's not really tho.

oh and also, the reasoning behind me needing to tell him is that i don't want it to destroy his trust in me in the case that he finds out from someone else further down the line. just in case yall didn't get that.

"i didn't want you to hear this from someone else blabla"

I think that's the way to go. Its bound to get back to him sooner or later, and it would be much better for him to hear it from you, than someone else. Make it clear that nothing happened since you've been together, and that you are willing to not be friends with him if it makes him uncomfortable. I'm sure he'll be reasonable about it.

do you think i can "have my cake and eat it too"?

cuz my *former* fb is gonna call me tomorrow afternoon, and i don't know what i should do at that point... like, i really would like to go grab a beer with him and hear about what he's been up to. i've honestly missed him. kindof in the same way i miss my long hair sometimes- like, oh well, it's gone, no real loss, and some cancer patient has a sweet wig... so it's selfishness, but sometimes i really miss it.
i could make it a "good to see you, but we can't see eachother anymore" kind of thing
but it seems like i would have to have this convo w my bf first.. right?
ugh.

I think it would be best if you did. Otherwise it will look like you put it off until after you went out with him, and that you prolonging telling him so you could do that.

You better hope your bf isn't the super jealous type and wonders if you've been fucking around with your fuck buddy behind his back...

Especially about this part.. "what i need to know, is how to confront my bf about my fb is also the guy that was picking me up for work, who i still talk to, who i'm still friends with. bf knows i talk to him, but he doesn't know our history..

I dont know what to tell you, personally I wouldn't like to know the same guy that picks up my girl to take her to work used to fuck her, that would make it very uncomftorable, and surely not a good way to start off a relationship.. but then again like you said what if he finds out.. It's still early in the relationship that you could come up to him and just do what Fruity said... Fuck, actually I don't know... I feel like I really wouldn't want to know, /contradicting post for the win.

this convo is gonna suck. it was my bro's damage control theory that really got me thinking.
i just hope i don't throw myself/the relationship in a pit with it. you know like when everyone else knows *something* and you find out you've been in the dark- suuucks.
tho bro said i haven't done anything wrong, that i just have to get it out there now before it's a hypothetical 6mos down the line.
maybe he won't even care.

zuggie you posted as i posted that^... but i dunno what else to say... i also hope he isn't the jealous kinda guy. in regards to THAT, a friend of mine was gonna hook me up with this phone sex line gig... she said it pays bank and it's super legit and whatever. and bf was there when she was telling me this and he's like "i think you should go for it!! it's BANK!! just... don't let me hear it, ever"
but then a few days later he says "so are you *really* gonna do the sexline thing?" and i said "i dunno... i was kinda thinkin i'd see what it was all about i guess" and he kinda squirmed in that i'm-uncomfortable-sorta way, and i said "i don't have to do it, and i don't WANT to do it if it's gonna make you uncomfortable"
and he says "you're gonna let me tell you what to do like that?"
and i said "it's not like working for peta or something.. it's fucking phone sex. i won't do it if you're not into it"
and he's like "ok yeah i don't think i'd be comfortable with it"

sooooo THAT'S one thing... i dunno.. we have a lot of other history of being supercool with eachother overall. i know he still talks to his ex every once in a while- and i really liked her, too- and i'm totally cool with it. like, i'd call her up to chat, but i haven't talked to her in months and it would prob be weird now since i'm dating him.

anyways that was way more info than necessary.

but yeah, the whole him-not-knowing all along thing is what's going to be the worst part.

Yeah, I'm with Zuggie. That's a tough one. Honestly, if your bf knows what the relationship is with fb, I can't imagine that you can continue being friends with him. Your bf would have to be super secure, and I'm not even sure it's a good thing for him to be okay with it. I guess I don't understand why it would come out. Why would someone tell him? That just seems super immature and insensitive. But I guess people are known to be that way.

Why don't you just out it and then invite him along for beers tomorrow night with the fb so he knows that you're making an effort to make him comfortable with the idea of you two being friends?

That way you've got nothing to hide. My ex told me about a fb he had out of convenience with a mutual friend and he made a point to tell me that it was all in the past and if I was ever uncomfortable about the two of them hanging out, I was always welcome to be there and/or talk about it. Honestly, he did a really good job of making it not a big deal, which I think is the important factor. If it's not a big deal...then don't make it one. And I had no issues with my ex's former fb or them ever hanging out-- which is saying something because I'm the insecure type that gets jealous if left to the thoughts in my own head.

i think it would be super awkward for my bf if i sprung it on him like "oh hey, i used to fuck this guy but we're just friends now, you wanna go get a beer with him?"
they've never met. it would be bad.

aside from that, i would definitely like for everything to be in the open. but i also don't want my bf to have that "ugh, he used to fuck my girl" thought that he would totally have. esp over a couple beers with just the 3 of us... weird!

and i met my fb thru my cousin. we hung out over the summer, then hooked up, and continued thru convenience- he lived 2 houses down and it was nice since we were both single. he used to come to a lot of our house parties over the summer.

now, we're also having a black friday party which the fb might come to. maybe it would be better if they met at a party.

would it be bad if i just didn't tell my bf that i'm going for a beer with him, and then tell him everything at once? or would that just be salt in the wound..? yeah.

OHH!!! what if i ask my gf/former coworker, and her buddy (also former coworker) if they want to JOIN us for beers, and THEN i could tell my bf that i'm going out w SEVERAL former coworkers for drinks and would he like to come with?!

and THEN when i tell him, it might be a little softer? cuz those coworkers don't know about our fb-ness. so they'd all be in the same boat.

am i just rationalizing things now? fack.

or maybe i just shouldn't go out w him at all and nix the whole thing until after i've talked w the bf...

I just think finding out about something from someone else that your partner could have easily told you is a horrible feeling. But i hate secrets. I'd much rather know. I probably share too much information with my partner and i'm sure there have been times he's thought "i didn't need to know that". My philosophy is that eventually everything get out, and i'd rather it be heard from me that some story that's evolved over time.
But imagine if its your wedding, and your cousin gets up and does a speech and says "i'm glad you didn't marry that guy you made too much noise with two weeks before hooking up with the man you married". I don't know who would do that in a speech, but you never know.
when my husband and I first met we had a big conversation about our fb's and there weren't any negative consequences from it. He never seemed all that bothered by it.

Maybe you could ask him hypothetically if he would want to know. "if there was someone i used to shag casually that was still a part of my life, would you want to know, or not". Maybe he'll tell you he doesn't want to know. But i'd still tell him.

Originally Posted by sprankified

or maybe i just shouldn't go out w him at all and nix the whole thing until after i've talked w the bf...

uh yeah nix the whole fucking idea of going out for a beer to catch up on old times with an old flame... that's just rude to to the dude that's good to you (as i've read) .. I say if this is going to bother you, and could hinder the relationship later on, just come out with it, and see how he reacts.. Just break the things off with the fb, and make sure you let your boyfriend know that your not communicating with the former fuck buddy.. He may be kind of cautious for a while, but just reassure his ass that you only want him, and that he's the only man thats made you happy in a very long time..

thats all i got, and i think it's good..