So the other night was one of my close high school friend's birthdays and a bunch of my friends and I went over to her apartment to party. Around the time when everyone who wasn't spending the night, the birthday girl (who was a bit drunk) was constantly falling over onto to me when I was sitting down and making it clear that she was interested in me that night. Everyone goes to bed, and she texts me to have me go into her room with her. One thing led to another, yada yada. We didn't do it though, I did stuff to her and then, because I'm a bitch when it comes to asserting myself, I never tried to actually have sex with her. I get up in the morning and she has left the bed to shower (she had work) and things went on as normal. I was the last one to leave and things were incredibly awkward (as expected) but the night never came up. Now here's a little background on this girl.
I used to like her about 2 years ago or so and had a definite chance but never capitalized on it. She's been my friend for a while now and has always been an option. You know what I mean? I've only actually chased after her once, but if the moment arises, I wouldn't be opposed to it. Before we went to bed that night, she mentioned that there was this guy she wanted to date which would make me think she wouldn't be so open as to fool around with me. The guy was also mentioned the next morning before people left. That's where I am confused.
What should I do? I mean I like the girl, but she's always been a friend. She's talking about dating this guy, but then she basically offers herself to me (of course being drunk could be part of that). Did the fact that I didn't assert myself and actually have sex with her make her think I'm a bitch? And perhaps my biggest question: how do I make it come up again? I want to talk about it so badly, but it isn't something where I can be like "Hey, how did you like Friday night?" or something along those lines. I'm just so confused.
I thinking sitting down and asking her how she felt about Friday night would be perfectly reasonable. Of course, i'm pretty old now, so talking things out makes sense to me, but seems completely irrational to young people, so i really don't know if that's the acceptable thing to do. I would just be asking if she was comfortable with what happened, make sure there were no regrets, see if she sees it going anywhere. Just get it all out into the open.
True beauty is an exchange, not an observation. - Lucid Rog
I get this feeling that she's into you, but not as much as this other guy and so you're being used as a backup option. OR she really does like you and the guy she keeps talking about is just misdirection because for some reason she has hangups about dating you, and when she got drunk those inhibitions disolved. You really should have tried to talk about it right after as you've probably blown your chance to talk without it being awkward. Maybe get drunk again as soon as possible and see if it happens again.
What's with not getting with her before now if you think you could have? Do you just completely suck at making first moves at all?
During December of my... senior year we go to talking a lot more. Mostly friend things, not-so flirty. By Christmas time, it had evolved into that and then about 4 days before Christmas I was told by one of her best friends to ask her on a date or something so the next day I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime over break. She told me that from the 24th->31st she was going to stay with her mom two states over, but she'd be back for the New Year's party we always went to. Needless to say I waited and waited. Her mom lived in no-service-land so I couldn't text her or anything the entire time. New Year's came and I never got the chance to ask her anything and two days later when we hung out as a smaller group, she was talking about this guy she met and was going on a date with. (Coincidentally, that kid is best friends with this new kid she's talking about.)Originally Posted by Gosu
The problem with talking to her about it after and the first moves thing. I'm shy. Like, REALLY shy. I could be with her and these two other friends of mine (who I basically lived with last semester at college) and I would talk about twice ever 10-15 minutes. I've been told that when I do talk, it's worthwhile and often funny and whatnot, but it's just not who I am. I've never been all that confident with girls and when I look at all my past relationships, they have been either set-ups or initiated by the girl. Friday night I knew she wanted me to do things but I just... couldn't. I honestly don't know what it is.
Well, if you want this girl, you're going to have to man up and get over it because otherwise it's honestly not going to happen. Get drunk and hook up with her again, then right away figure out if it's going anywhere. Since you've known her this long, you're going to have to be fairly direct and assertive about it and while I know confidence is hard to just create out of nowhere, you've already hooked up once so that should give you some tangible proof that this could go well.
If you don't make this happen, you'll be pissed about it for years. Seriously.
Trust me, I get it. I'm pissed at myself already and nothing is completely dead yet. Just so many things are running through my head right now. Like, I can think of 3 good reasons why I shouldn't have had sex with her but I keep thinking it was a mistake that I didn't. She was drunk and I was.. less than drunk (buzzed if you will); she's been one of my bestish friends since like 7th grade; and I haven't had much experience, so I'm not exactly Captain Endurance when it comes to sex if you know what I mean. But on the flip side, I can see that she likes me enough to get with me (they always say being drunk brings out your true intentions) and she is a really good friend of mine. I know she's a good person, like even though she talks about going out with this guy and she tried to sleep with me, I'm about 99% sure she would be faithful and not cheat. I don't see her as much anymore because we go to different schools, although they are close so she came to visit last year a bit.
So it looks like my options are:
1) Bring it up soon. Sooner is better than later. Talk about it, see if she was comfortable and see if she wants to go further.
2) Get drunk with her again and have it happen again. This time, talk right after (morning?).
3) Pout and weep for a while and get mad every time she has a new boyfriend.
1, although it is the best action probably, I truly do not have the cajones for. I just wouldn't know what to say or anything. I mean, I'll keep thinking about it (it's all I think about right now). 2 is probably the most possible action out of the three. Every time we get drunk together, it seems like we click more/are closer, so all it takes is that one time.
Just for further background on the girl, here's a few more things. She's... abusive? I guess that's one way to put it. She picks on me and beats on me because she knows I can take it/like it. It's her way of showing affection... toward me. Not one of her boyfriends has she ever done it to, which could mean a lot of things. She could be so comfortable with me that she doesn't mind doing it, or she could just do it as a buddy to buddy sort of thing. The thing is, when we are alone in person or talking, it never shows itself. There may be a remark here or there, but we are generally civil toward each other in private. A perfect example of this is at the end of senior year (we both had just gotten hitched because of prom season) at another party where she literally kicked my ass (I so let her :P) in front of a bunch of people to the extent where she put a paper bag over my head, climbed on top of me, and punched my chest. Stuff like that I never take personally because I know she doesn't actually hate me; it's how we interact. Anyways, after people went to sleep, we were the only two up and we shared a drink, talked, playfully attacked each other with food (yeah... kinky I know) and things like that. I like to think the reason we never hooked up then was because we both had mates, but who knows now. Point being, she acts differently when we are with people than when we are alone. Heh, remembering that night made me smile.
PS. Sorry if it seems like I am really wordy or if I give a lot of useless information. I want to talk about this with anyone right now so badly, but I don't have an IRL guyfriend/ladyfriend who I talk about these sort of things with, so online people is all I really have.
Hey, first, I think that if I were really drunk and flirting with somebody and they decided not to take advantage of me, I'd be grateful to them, not think they were a bitch. I think it's a really good thing that you did not take advantage of the situation. She could've woken up resenting you and feeling ashamed of herself if it wasn't what she really wanted. So you did the right thing in regards to that night.
Second, I agree with what's been said.. you have to talk to her. It's completely possible to want to date two people at the same time, but generally there's one who you like more than the other, and you never know if you have a chance with her until you hear it directly from her. She could just think of you as a friend and it was just a drunken mistake for her, or she could think of you as more and just feel awkward about it, or... etc etc etc. We can't read her mind. You have to ask her about it. It doesn't have to be a big huge deal, it can be just you casually going "Hey so do you remember the other night, we were a little drunk and kinda fooling around.. what was up with that?" and let it go from there.
If you 'like' it, I wouldn't term it abusive. As long as she's just playing around with you and you don't feel like she's hurting you, then it's all good. I'll have insult-flinging-'fights' with some of my friends and it always ends in a good laugh because we know we're kidding, doesn't mean we're all abusing each other it's just the way we interact. There's a chance that it means she doesn't respect you much or whatever, but there's also a chance that it's just the way you interact and it's totally fine. You know her better than I do so you get to be the one to decide which it is, lol.
And that's what S-B is here for, no worries.
Whatever you do, you have to act quickly before she actually goes out with this other guy. This weekend at the latest. Call her up nowww and organise getting together. With alcohol.
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