Thread: Appropriate v. Inappropriate

My mom talked to my sister about the "flipping off" picture again. She asked her how she would feel if this lady from church (one that my sister cares a LOT about) had seen the picture. My sister didn't say anything and then my mom noticed that she was crying. I'm so happy my mom did it, because that was kind of the point. This is one of the first times I've ever felt like my mom is actually trying to be a parent.

I don't know what's right as far as parenting. But I think that what I want to do is not necessarily restrict things or shelter my child. However, I do want her to know that if she has something like facebook, I WILL have access to it and I will know what she's doing. It's not about invading her privacy. It's about having conditions that come along with privileges.

Ah the helicopter parenting begins. Eventually kids will stop telling their parents anything at all and actively hide everything from them.

I think some of the main keys to having a very open relationship with your children are to model the appropriate behaviour, and to create a dialog with them about it, before it becomes an issue. The earlier the better.

This applies to everything from reading books to drinking.

If you want your children to value literacy..they need to see you read. You need to discuss their reading with them.

If you want them to value cleanliness, don't wait til they're sleeping to clean the house..let them see you do it.

If you want them to learn to drink responsibly..show them how. Let them SEE that it's okay to only have one drink with friends, and it can be a social thing. Let them know you took a cab home because it's the right thing to do. Talk about it, when they're old enough..let them ask questions and be honest. Don't just say "Don't drink" and then go out and get wasted and hide it from them. Kids aren't dumb.

Same thing with safe sex. Obviously this isn't something you can model to the full extent. But if you're single, don't bring a different guy home every night if you want to teach your child that they should do it with someone they love and trust, not just any body.

And the younger the better. With drinking..if your three year old asks what you're drinking, don't tell them it's 'mommy's juice' be honest....talk to them in a way that they are able to understand at their age. Making it a topic of conversation from the early years, will make it much easier for them to talk about it later when they have questions or concerns, because it's always been a topic of conversation and something that's not awkward or taboo to talk about.

It's a very hard line to draw between explaining so they understand... and having them understand that sometimes they don't need an explanation because they need to do what they're told, period - for their own good.

I do agree with that for sure. Especially with younger children.

However I think it's unrealistic (and unfair to the child) if they're older to not offer an answer if they come to you with genuine questions and curiosity. There are so many parents that just don't have any sort of communication beyond "When your older" or "Because I said so" and those kids go and find the answers themselves.

My mom was very much like that...if I was told not to do something, that was it. No reasons or explanations...you just do as your told. I can vividly remember constantly having questions about things and never getting an answer beyond "Because I said so" or "You're too young" and I never truly understood at the time why I wasn't allowed to do things. When I did do something she told me not to, again there would be no discussion. She'd fly off the handle, I'd get some insane punishment, end of story.

I remember one time in particular I was quite young, maybe 11. I was at a sleepover at a friends for her birthday with a few other girls. This friend had an older brother who's girlfriend lived with them, and always had friends over. We decided we wanted to dress like these girls because we thought they were cool. They were not classy girls by any means. My mom saw us dressed up like little hoochies and snapped. Which I understand now...but she never asked me why. It wasn't for attention, or we never once realized what we were implying being dressed that way. To us we were imitating the other girls, that's all it was. To my mom I was being a little 11 year old slut. I didn't understand why it was such a big deal, because she never talked about it with me, other than to be mean and dole out some crazy punishment.

My dad on the other hand was incredibly open with everything, and as I got older and closer to him, things were a lot different. I behaved 100 times better with him than my mom. I was afraid of my mom, but I respected my dad. I respected him because no matter how mad or disappointed he was, we always talked about it, and he always wanted to know my thoughts on it. He made sure I understood why the rules were the way they were. The consequences always fit the punishment with him, too. I knew what was expected of me, and I knew exactly what would happen if I defied that. So 95% of the time, I didn't.

I was never afraid to talk to my dad about anything, even if I knew he wouldn't be happy. And there were a lot of things I didn't do because I knew it would upset him if I did. I lived here alone for 3 years while he was alive, and not once did I let a guy step foot in this house, because that was the rule. I didn't throw any parties. Had my mom still been around, I'd have been boinking my boyfriends in her bedroom, in the middle of a kegger at her house the second she was gone.

I wouldn't call this case being a helicopter parent. The things that these kids put on facebook gets archived into webland so that it can be accessed in perpetuity damn near. When it comes to something like this, it is smart to be an informed parent knowing what your kids are doing.

Kids need some guidelines and they need to know when they fuck up. If they aren't shown when and how, then they'll never learn. And in the process could do irreparable damage to their reputations.

I do think it's important for my daughter to absolutely obey me now, ask questions later. Important emergency/safety kinds of things, or things where it's the wrong place to discuss, like maybe etiquette type things. She needs to know that if I say something is important, listen, do it, no time for questions. I cannot think of any example of something she will need to do but not understand (as age appropriate). If it is truly important and for her own good it seems like I could come up with an explanation afterwards when there is time. Maybe I am not seeing this realistically because I have only parented a toddler so far. I'm afraid of the teeny bop years, I really am. If you care to expand Devious, I am interested to hear.

Originally Posted by Gosu

Ah the helicopter parenting begins. Eventually kids will stop telling their parents anything at all and actively hide everything from them.

I'm fairly certain this is your response to every parenting thread/discussion we have (perhaps specifically my posts?). And I disagree 100%. Being able to use the internet and go on facebook is a PRIVILEGE and should be treated as such. That doesn't necessarily mean that I will nitpick every little thing and read absolutely everything that is written on there. But my child will know that I will be able to, if I choose to.

If their facebook profile can be viewed by all of their "friends," why shouldn't I be able to? It's definitely not the same as going through their diary without their knowledge. I'm not sneaking into her room and violating her privacy. It would not be a secret, by any means. Being a parent isn't about being absent and uninvolved.

Parenting isn't all black and gray....if a parent is lax it doesn't mean they don't give a shit and are absent from their life. This isn't "strict vs. no parenting at all".

My mom was/is crazy strict. I would want to go do something with my friends and she had NO reason to say no. She would just say no...all the fucking time. I made A's in school, my homework would be done, my room clean, my chores done...she would just say "No" and then offer me "Because I said so" whenever I asked why. And this was when I was like 12-14 years old. I could've easily just walked out of the house and flipped her off. But she's crazy and I was convinced she'd make me sleep outside if I did such a thing. I was convinced she'd kick me out at 14 if I did something "terrible" or would ship me off to boarding school if I got into drugs and things. I didn't speak to her about anything and I didn't want anything to do with her because I was flat-out terrified of her. I felt like I was constantly doing something wrong and nothing was ever good enough. I obeyed out of fear but it made me completely detached.

Whereas with my dad, I had zero rules. And I would ask him why he let me do whatever I wanted and he said "I have no reason to say no, you're a good kid and as long as I know where you are and who you're with, it's okay." He bought me a cell phone in 8th grade so he could always get a hold of me because he worked late and far away. He felt the need to let me learn from my mistakes more than my mother who felt solitary confinement was the best thing for me.

I'm not a parent but I can't imagine how fucking hard it is. I have a lot more compassion now than when I was younger and just angry all the time because I didn't understand anything. I mean...you only get one shot at parenting your child, you don't get a do-over and I don't think you even really get to apologize for your mistakes since a lot of times the child won't understand...My dad made a lot of mistakes and I don't really agree that letting me do whatever I wanted was the best thing for me but I felt cared for and I knew he was there for me, and with my mother I just feared her.

If we were to go down a checklist my mother would make an exceptional model "parent" and my dad would appear like a bad parent. But the most important thing I've learned is that my dad would go to the end of the world for me and my mother would disown me in a second. My dad means the world to me and he continues to fuck up and thinks he's a terrible father but honestly, I think he's the best dad because he's there for me and I know he loves me. He's doing what he thinks is right and I can't really be upset at him when it isn't right because his intentions are always to do what's best for me.

Originally Posted by pseudo

I do think it's important for my daughter to absolutely obey me now, ask questions later. Important emergency/safety kinds of things, or things where it's the wrong place to discuss, like maybe etiquette type things. She needs to know that if I say something is important, listen, do it, no time for questions. I cannot think of any example of something she will need to do but not understand (as age appropriate). If it is truly important and for her own good it seems like I could come up with an explanation afterwards when there is time. Maybe I am not seeing this realistically because I have only parented a toddler so far. I'm afraid of the teeny bop years, I really am. If you care to expand Devious, I am interested to hear.

It's so situational, really. Usually it's like you said... if we're out in public and I correct her, I don't want ANY back-talk or questions. Do as I say and do it now. I try very hard to always come back and talk to her later and say something like "Honey, I'm sorry I had to get after you like that earlier. But you need to understand you can't XYZ, it's not acceptable. XYZ behavior isn't safe/isn't polite and when I tell you to stop, I mean you stop now. You could get hurt/offend someone/break something/whatever. Do you understand?"

Tori is a SUPER good kid and she doesn't ever misbehave on purpose. She makes an extra effort always to remember her Please and Thank you's and "Nice to meet you"'s.

As she gets older though, I expect things will change. For her own good, I hope she DOES question me to a degree. Not because I want to have to explain every little thing - but I want her to have a mind of her own.

I think the biggest shady area I see coming in the next few years are boys. Emotionally... I feel like that should be a "discussion warranted" decision for each case. As a Mother - I don't want boys within a 2 mile radius of my house. God, teenage boys. UGH.

The biggest thing that we have right now that I have to make her just accept is my divorce from her Dad. There's no way she can comprehend reasons like neglect, abuse, forced sexual behavior and all these grown up issues that end marriages. It's so hard for her, she wants to understand. But 1) I won't talk bad about her Dad to her because he's good to her and I don't want to ruin that and 2) she's just too young to have that on her mental plate.

Gosh - I typed a lot. Sorry!

Oh god, teenage boys. ugh. I can see what you mean now. It must be difficult to talk about why you're divorced without compromising her relationship with her father. Maybe in a few years you can turn your experience into a valuable lesson that will help her choosing boys to hang out with. Something like, "some people are not happy when they are together, like you're father and i. we need to pick people that make us happy and feel good about ourselves. etc"

Anyway, as far as boys go, I'm scared, too. Especially with so many kids talking on text all the time, it would be easy to not know she's talking to someone a lot if she had a cell phone, or did a lot of IM's. I don't want her to use those things very much, but I don't want her to be isolated from everyone else either. It tripped me out that some kid posted on here a few months back acting like it was impossible to talk to some girl because she didn't have a cell phone. I think kids try to use those things to totally usurp getting to know parents. I don't want to be overly strict but I do want to know the people she's spending time with. Ugh... justin says he plans to start an axe collection to show any boys that come knocking.