I am a parent and yes, I'd be fine with it.
I am a parent and no, I would not be okay with it.
I am not a parent and yes, I'd be fine with it.
I am not a parent and no, I would not be okay with it.
I just think that's overly authoritarian and counter-productive. Kids will resent you, stop trusting you and cut off dialogue altogether. Then they will refine their ability to hide what they do from you as they get older. My parents tried that stuff and it was a spectacular failure - I responded by doing everything I wanted covertly, lying when convenient, let alone necessary, learned what they would and wouldn't believe, wedge tactics, manipulation, etc. And I never told them anything about my personal life, ever. My friends knew 10x more about me in every way than they did. I know for a fact I'm not anywhere near the only person who did this as a teen and I got away with it 90% of the time.Originally Posted by Aimee
You'll get away with it while they're really young, but all that time they'll be growing resentful at the meddling, lack of self-determination and privacy and figuring out how to get around it. If anything, it's much easier to pull it off these days because of access to technology and because most parents are busier. Also, each successive generation is less willing to be constrained because of the way society is progressing. It's not the 1950s anymore.
I don't pretend to know how to actually go about the whole parenting thing, but I do know what doesn't work in that area. But feel free to do what you want, I'm just saying what I think is likely to be the result.
Last edited by Gosu; 09-15-2009 at 02:34 PM.
Actually... I don't think you KNOW what does or doesn't work. No two children are the same, even in the same family. How are we not to know that you weren't just a lying sneaky manipulative brat, no matter what your parents did? How are YOU not to know that about your own situation?
"Any God worth 'believing in' would surely prefer an honest agnostic to a calculating hypocrite."
- Alan Dershowitz
Learning that things you post online, especially ones connected to your name and location, can be found by people quite easily is an important life lesson. (I know lots of people 23+ who could learn this lesson) I say +1!
Devious is right. No 2 children are the same even in the same family. My 3 kids are all different and respond to different tactics, consequences and rewards. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other. Then there's kids who have no fear.
It's just a trend I've noticed (I have that conversation a lot with my friends). The kids with authoritarian parents found ways around it like I did and don't have great personal relationships with them, whereas the more permissive ones had much more stable relationships. It is possible my sample is skewed, but I do know a fair few people.
Just as an aside, if there's a battle between Appropriate and Inappropriate, the latter wins every single time.
The broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. Even though the facts which prove this to be so may be brought clearly to their minds, they will still doubt and waver and will continue to think that there may be some other explanation. For the grossly impudent lie always leaves traces behind it, even after it has been nailed down, a fact which is known to all expert liars in this world and to all who conspire together in the art of lying. These people know only too well how to use falsehood for the basest purposes... Adolf Hitler
Making your kid consider who might see what they put up online isn't exactly strict.
We're not just talking about that.
Gosu, I think the issue is that you seem to see it as black and white, and I just don't think it's that simple. I'm all about full disclosure and explaining to my child the reasons behind what I decide to do. I don't expect my child to always blindly do what I say just because "I said so."
I am all for giving my child freedom and letting them make decisions for themselves. But at the same time, I have a responsibility to protect them.
10:21 PM [TheMadCatter] I got free shipping, 20 dollars off, and a free tote bag12:26 AM [smirk] i think blended margaritas taste good sometimes(11:44:55 PM) Onionman: I was watching oprah...Personman says (3:16 AM):So I'm not girl like enough for you?
I just read an interesting parenting article in salon that reminded of me of this convo. Some of you may be interested.
Parents: Most of what you're doing is wrong | Salon Life
Here's a chunk of it:
I totally feel that remark about parents giving concessions. Sometimes I worry that I am teaching Ada to be a manipulator because I already make concessions and she's 3. But what can I say, sometimes she makes a good case. :-D One thing I never got from my parents was a sense of respect, things in my house were very black and white/never back down, and I never told them anything, so this has the ring of truth for me.Seventy-eight percent of American parents think their teens tell them everything. They expect them to tell them everything, or that they should be able to. And that's a dangerous proposition. Because the science of teen lying suggests that even the teens who lie least to their parents still lie about on average five of the 36 things that teens normally lie to their parents about. It's naive to expect that you're hearing the whole truth. Their lying is motivated by not wanting to get in trouble, of course. But it's also their need for independence. They're soon going to be autonomous people in the world, and they're practicing. To always come to your parents for advice and help is psychologically emasculating, proof that you can't handle it on your own. Teens are really prone to telling their parents what they want to hear and then going and doing what they want. If they tell the truth, they usually know there's going to be an argument. Parents find that arguing really riles and rattles them; they think it's destructive. But they don't realize that the other option is lying.
That's why teens are more likely to find arguing productive. There's a difference between arguing over the parents' authority to set the rules ("You have no right to tell me what to do!") versus arguing about a rule itself, where the kid might be saying, "It's one thing when it's a matter of safety, but this is about what I'm wearing to school, so butt out." What makes teens rank arguing as problematic is when they never get any concession. Those kids are the ones who get frustrated and turn to lying more. The mistake is thinking there's a trade-off between strictness and honesty. More permissive parents don't actually hear more truth. The ones who do are the ones who set a few rules and enforce them consistently, and when they hear a good argument for bending them they occasionally give in. And when a parent knows how to negotiate and compromise, the kid learns how to do that in peer and romantic and friend relationships as well.
... but a trend that doesn't hold up in all cases. My mom is super strict. She was a single mom with two daughters moving to the big city to try to better our lives, so she was WAY overprotective and still is a perfectionist to this day. My sister and I always got the "Why didn't you make 100?" response when we brought home 97's on tests. My point is, both of us ended up fine, even though my sister did have a bit of a rebellious period. I did very little rebelling, as far as teenagers go. I never drank in high school or college or hid anything major from my parents. To this day, my mom is my best friend. I still have the "Mean Mom" poem on my Myspace for a reason. My mom was really strict and it was good for me. I aspire to be the same firm handed parent.My kids just "know" when they should just obey me immediately because of my tone of voice or a look I give them. They're both really great, smart kids. I show them I love them at every opportunity I get and spike and I keep an open communication with them, but there are some things that they need protection from... and shamefully embarrassing pictures on the internet definitely ranks up there!!!
"I said no white, no ivory, no nothing that says virgin. I have a child. The jig is up." - Miranda
"Perhaps before we point out the specks in our Muslim brothers' eyes, we should work on removing the planks from our own." -Mr. Midway Boston, otherwise known as The Notorious J.O.N.
TheMadCatter @ Jun 23 2008, 06:36 PM:Get the fuck off my board you bitch.
That Salon article is gold. Basically makes my point for me.
Awards:
There's no fucking way I'm letting my kids have a computer in their room. Pretty hypocritical, when I think back to the numerous arguments I had over getting a computer in mine when I was younger, but I don't care. I know what kids are like, I know what their friends are like, and I know the importance of sitting round watching David Attenborough as a family, rather than as a number of seperate entities who happen to share the same house.
I don't know if it's inappropriate or not, I don't think it's my place to cast judgements on the actions of a child, but it wouldn't happen if it were my daughter.
Absolutely. If you let your kid have a pc in their room then you can guarantee they'll be wanking into their webcam/showing their tits when they're 13 years old. I'm not too fond of that idea.
The broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. Even though the facts which prove this to be so may be brought clearly to their minds, they will still doubt and waver and will continue to think that there may be some other explanation. For the grossly impudent lie always leaves traces behind it, even after it has been nailed down, a fact which is known to all expert liars in this world and to all who conspire together in the art of lying. These people know only too well how to use falsehood for the basest purposes... Adolf Hitler
I don't think i'd give my kids a camera phone for the same reason. Do they still make phones without cameras?
True beauty is an exchange, not an observation. - Lucid Rog
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