Thread: The Big Ass Joke Topic

What is Supermans only weakness?

An equestrian horse.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those
spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"They're not spiders sweetheart, they're called Daddy Long Legs," her father

answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Long Legs?" , the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with joy of such a cute and innocent question, he
replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long Legs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat!

"Well.....we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden!

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint

to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint

to
a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
[/b]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

A girl asks her dad if she can borrow the car for the night.

The dad replies with "Only if you suck my dick".

The girl thinks about it, then agrees and after she's finished she asks her dad "Dad, why does your dick taste like shit?"

The father replies, "oh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. "I hope you don't mind," she says to the two men, "but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, "I WON I WON!!"

She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device.

She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks at her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"

The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."

So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"

The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."

So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you really think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

so at dinner the other night, we're talking medical advancements and the like, and my mom starts telling this story-

you know how skin grafting works? how they can remove a piece of skin from somewhere on your body, and graft it somewhere else? well recently, there was a little baby boy born without eyelids. he needed an immediate skin transplant of some sort because eyelids are relatively necesarry. so they took the skin from his circumcision, the foreskin, and used THAT to give him eyelids. isn't that amazing?!

he's a little cockeyed, but still. medical marvel.

Wow, this topic died...



Might be old but it's new to me, so bite me.
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE </div>

Gas Attack


A woman goes to her boyfriend&#39;s parents&#39; house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn&#39;t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend&#39;s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women&#39;s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn&#39;t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "dammit Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn&#39;t even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "dammit Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"[/b]