Thread: Suicidal

lol i have been through all that and light therapy and subconcious exercises. What i have isnt depression. i am not sad, i just have to do the things i think otherwise i cant think of anything else.

Wow, I almost cried reading that and thats not an easy thing to do to me. Thanks very much everyone for sharing. I dont know what to say.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Its good to hear peoples stories that went through similair things as you. About 3 years ago I tried to kill myself by stabbing my wrist. I literally saw my life flash before my eyes & then I knew I couldn't go through with it. The worst part about it was that I had locked myself in my room at my own Birthday party. All my friends would have came up to my room & they would have found me dead on my floor. This year I started cutting myself. The pain somehow felt so good. The last time I did it was when my best friend was put into a mental hospital for threatening to kill herself. Then my mom found out I was cutting & took me to a therapist. The therapist just made me more depressed. I wanted to be put on anti-depressants, because I wanted to be happy but my mom doesnt believe in them. This all made me realize only I can fix my problems. I've been trying so hard to forget about what I was doing, but I still have the scars on my wrist that I have to look at everyday. I just found out my 10 year old brother is cutting himself now, too. I don't know if I should break my trust with my brother & tell my mom or just let him be.

Sounds to me like clinical depression. Prehaps a chemical imbalance, seretonin reuptake syndrome or somthing of the sort. You might want to ask about certain drugs, though I wouldn't press for it, I mean, some help and some just end up fucking you up more, but maybe get some info.

My death experiences ended showing giving me clarity. But, I'd have to say, while I can understand the depressed, those who force themselves to wallow in pain and garner attention are at the very least on the same level as someone sucking dick for their next fix.

I believe that the reason so many people suffer from depression is simply because our brains aren't designed to live in the manufactured world we live in.
I don't think anything can completely cure it.

I am not going to sit here and say that I know what you went through because honestly I don't and I don't want to know but I have seen it first hand. My girlfriend now of 9 months was suicidal at one point. She came out of a home where her parents did not speak and for anyone looking in, were not married. Her father stayed in his room, drank and watched football all day long. I saw the man maybe 6 times in the 3 year period that they lived in that house. Her mother was forced to take care of her and her little brother and had to put alot of responsibility onto her when she was not mature enough to handle it. She took this responsibility as laziness on her mother's part, laziness to fix a broken home or laziness to take her own share of responsibility i don't know. She came out of the couple years and into high school already having gone through alot of shit from an abusive relationship to a family on the verge breaking apart. She was a girl who got into band and had loved the music until she got in with a couple bad friends and the life experiences which did not help her to make some of the right decisions. She ended up at a party one night, a regular party with friends that she knew and loved and during the course of the night she blacked out and woke up several hours later not remembering anything. It turns out that something had been slipped into a drink she had and she walked away that night with the knowledge and fear that she had no knowledge of what happened in those several short hours. Had it not been for one of her good friends that night, I may not have her in my life right now and for that I am truly in debt this one special person. Her freshmen year continued on and things got worse. She began to develop a dependency on pills at first for pain then for other reasons. It got to the point where she could take 10-12 advil/tylenol and feel no side effects so she started taking other things. She began to develop a close relationship to an upper classman through the band and our relationship grew and grew. her social life because of certain people in the band dwindled to where she only kept in contact with few people and the friends she did have began to drop her. Her relationship with her friend the upperclassman ended suddenly that november and would not pick up again until the following February. This guy was one of two people in her life that loved her for who she was and to lose him so suddenly like that and how it ended (the reason they had that fight) killed her. The other person was me and in that winter we found each other romantically and her outlook brightened. Then her and her friend got back together and she brightened once again. She was so beautiful in that period, always smiling, so cheerful. She got over her dependency on pills that March and once again she blossomed. She had so much love for two men, two men that loved her deeply and honestly and she couldn't be happier. Then things hit rock bottom. Her friend was involved in a carwreck in April. Our relationship suffered heavily at that time also due to some stupid reasons. Her friend came out of the hospital fine but had certain mental scars from the wreck. He increased his dependency on drugs and overdosed on May 1st. Our relationship ended May 6th and her world came crashing down. There were two points in her life that I know she contemplated suicide, one night in January with a bottle of oxycotin and May 9th. Now I don't know the exact reason that brought her back but I do know one thing, had she have continued on the path she set out on in one instance of either one of those nights, I would not have this beautiful angel in my life right now and I cry tears of joy now thinking how happy and wonderful she has made my life. How happy I feel to sit and look at her smiling face and hear her wonderful laugh just knowing that she is happy with her life right now and that she regrets those two nights.
Suicide is not a way out. Things will get better 10 fold you just need to believe that with all your heart.

Thanks for sharing your story Village.. It's kinda creepy reading something that someone else has written that is so similar to your own life!

nate, that was beautiful.. I had tears in my eyes reading what you wrote, and it's obvious that you love this girl dearly.. she's lucky she has you in her life!

beepbeep, I can relate to what you're saying about needing to do things that you think of. I can only describe it as a feeling that is similar to having an itch that won't go away unless you scratch it, and although I haven't been diagnosed with a mood disorder or anything it wouldn't suprise me if I had one. I seem to do a lot of things that people just don't get.. ie. walking straight into traffic, and jumping off the roof. I just get this urge that I will think about doing something until it is done. It's a crazy world we live in, though I'm glad I'm still living in it!