Thread: To Share Or Not To Share

The impossible human behaviours of sharing and self-preservation

In each of us there is a boundary, a limit which is set over time through experience and trust, it is the boundary which controls how much we share of ourselves…How far we let people in…How much we show to the world…How vulnerable we allow ourselves to be.

It is the ultimate tool in self-preservation. It is in essence the border of what defines us, because without it we are left open to mix and merge with other people until we are not individuals anymore. Humans are notorious for giving everything up, and letting down all their walls when it comes to love. We get caught up in the haze and forget to keep some kind of boundary up. It is not a boundary to keep people out; it is one that keeps you solid as a person, less breakable.

It is assumed by many that if you are in a relationship, or married, that this automatically means that you cease to be two individuals and merge to become one. That all boundaries are broken, and that you each have free and easy access to every facet of the others life. To me it seems a little on the nose for anyone to presume they are privy to my inner psyche…don't you agree? We as humans have the ability to be good, generous, kind people, but there is also the capacity to be spectacularly cruel, whether intentional or not. The ability to keep some kind of protective boundary around some parts of us is our only insurance. Because people will come and go in our lives, that is inevitable, our own individual facets and dynamics are ours forever, ours to protect. They are what we are left with when everything else is gone.

Hey, so about now you are wondering how one so young can appear so jaded? Come on people! I'm not jaded, I'm realistic, and if you can't handle the reality I suggest you get out of it! Take a holiday in Prozac-land or something!

I sometimes wonder why people are so keen to be entwined with another so that the concepts of personal memories and personal space no longer exist. Surely knowing that much about someone brings with it more responsibility? Or does it? Perhaps the responsibility is there, but very few realise that it belongs to them. It is the responsibility of not hurting someone unintentionally or otherwise, the weight of knowing so much about someone else that your knowledge of yourself is squashed. The responsibility of knowing that when you untangle yourself from the other, having left none of yourself aside, that you will be left floating, trying desperately to define who you are now that there is just you.

This is not intended as a warning against letting people in, it is a warning against letting too much of yourself out…because as much as that boundary protects against others, it also keeps part of us secure. We can go through life pushing more limits, fighting more challenges, knowing that we have some part of us that is safe, some part of us that is just for us as individuals. And why shouldn't we be selfish about this?

As a collective, my friends and family from my past and present, would know almost everything about me and more…however there is not one individual who knows everything. I very much doubt there is a person alive who would need to know everything, or even want to know everything, or who could be trusted to be responsible for knowing that much. Knowing everything about someone doesn't necessarily mean you that know them…having all the pieces of the puzzle doesn't necessarily mean you can piece them together properly! People give themselves far too much credit in thinking that that is possible.

I know, I know, I should have more faith in human endeavours, more faith in human capabilities…
However, there is one problem, I know for a fact that I myself am not capable of putting together the pieces of someone else's puzzle…and have never seen proof that it is possible. Therefore blindly believing in it is not an option for me!

Have you ever thought for what purpose anyone would need to know everything about you? Other than to satisfy some need they have within themselves? There is no other purpose. To quote a very good friend of mine - "He thought I could tell him everything...I said no, I can tell you anything... Anything I am willing to tell". Remember, this is one thing that you can have complete control over, you are the guardian of this, you give people however much you want to give, rather than how much they want.

The interesting thing is, I am not necessarily writing this to stop people from making these mistakes, because often it is the learning from these lessons that builds ones boundaries. It is the experiencing that forms our limits, without pushing those limits we often do not know how far they can be pushed before breaking.

So, go forth people…take that fall, expose yourself to the entanglement, leave no part of you private, and experience it…Then, you will realise which portion of yourself you would have rather kept to yourself. Put it in a box and be selfish about it…you are allowed to you know…and let no one ever think they are automatically privy to the contents of that box.

The ultimate connection between two people is found by being privy to anything, rather than everything.

XX
PR

I agree with you all.

I wrote this after a good friend's boyfriend gave her a hard time for not 'letting him in, and telling him everything'... as if he had some right to know everything cos he was her bf.

I'm lucky, my hubby doesn't want to know anything... and therefore that makes me more comfortable and able to share more. And vice versa, cos I don't push him to tell me stuff, he's good about being open with me.

Everyone has different mechanisms for keeping themselves safe within relationships... there is no set way to do it - that's the joy of being human.