Thread: I got a shock today...

I honestly think you were fooling yourself if you thought you were over him, that is clearly evident from the fact that you compare everyone to him. Are you over reacting? No, cause it is obvious you are still in love with him. In that state of mind I think you are reacting quite normally.

Oh, he will be back... when yu ARE over him.

Haha, he wont be back... not from the Carribean he wont. And wont want me again... he's the kind of guy who has to make every girl he dates fall in love with him so he can say he did.

I'm not over him, did I say I was? I probably never will be, but it's something Iv come to accept. You always want what you cant have....

Oh...yeah I knew that. I'd just like to say that I think it is very unhealthy that you are still holding onto this. Do you realize that you will never be able to feel something for someone again until you let go of the idea that "only he ever made me feel something."

That may seem like a silly thing to say but the woman I am with now...well I was the rebound guy. Not really sure why I did that and if for whatever reason this doesn't work out it is something I will never do again. This guy was the fucking world to her. He treated her like shit most of the time and she only focused on the good times. I noticed though as time went on that little by little she allowed me to do the things for her that he used to do for her. Little by little she let go of him and she was able to feel something for me and she was able to have fun with me. You see what I am saying??

I think it is fine to remember the past and the good times but to hold onto them is not a good idea in the least.

I agree with dk mostly, though part of me feels like his advice is more self-serving than anything else. I don't know that there's any way a person "should" or "shouldn't" act after a breakup, especially one as tramautic as this one seems to be. I say, do what you want. If you feel like holding on to this relationship, go ahead. When you're ready, you'll let go. It's not something you can force yourself to do.

Here's my take: Yes, it hurts a lot when this stuff happens. Though you say that you were sure he'd never be back in your life, I'd bet a small part of you (even if it's a part so small you'd never admit it existed) still held out hope that you'd be together. I mean, your rational mind could remind yourself every day that he wouldn't ever come back... but until your heart is ready to believe it, all the rationality in the world doesn't help. Hell, I can think of 4 girls right now who I'll be a little upset when I find out they're engaged. Am I still in love with them? No. Do I even actively want to be with them? Again, no. But a small part of me would like it if it worked out with them... in that sort of dramatic way where it would make such a great story if we got back together.

I have a flair for the dramatic, a literary bent, if you will. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the story of my relationships, I forget to look at the actual relationships themselves to see what I'm getting. Do you feel like you might be doing the same thing? You say that you loved him and that he helped you in immeasurable ways... but that he also cheated on you and lied to you. Perhaps a small part of your fixation on him is on your idea of him as your first love, rather than on him as a person. Maybe you reminding yourself over and over that he was your first love is playing into a romantic ideal you have that you should always wind up with your first love. I have that ideal, and it's taken a lot to force me to let go of it. My first love's 6-year relationship with by best friend didn't totally extinguish this ideal (as I've sort of learned now that they've broken up and I see the way I'm starting to think about her). I don't even know her anymore... part of me thinks how perfect it would be if we wound up together. What a story THAT would be! For me, it's helpful to remember that life doesn't always work out how it does in the movies. Forgetting how we wish the story would work out is often the first step to truly getting over the relationship.

Like I said, I mostly agree with dk...

Is it self-serving? Yeah I could see that but isn't that how advice is supposed to be given, to help the self. Not myself if thats what you were getting at.
I guess a lot of me is grounded in reality, I spent my time in the clouds and I got burned for it so I try to not go there anymore. When i look back at ex's I don't wonder what it would have been like to get back with them or get married to them because for whatever reason we didn't work out and that sticks its ugly head out to me all the time. I don't ignore the good times I spent with them but at the same time I try not to idealize the feelings I had for them and I don't compare them to people I date now. If in a sense I look for the warning signs I've learned to look for when it comes to women as comparing then I do it. But I don't dwell on how someone made me walk on clound nine for 6 months without hitting on the fact that after that they ripped me to pieces and walked away without looking back.
I guess I believe in a clean break, and I don't worry about getting back with them when it is over. Maybe that is weak of me, and maybe I am missing out on a chance with someone I used to be with. But frankly if it didn't work out for whatever reason it just didn't work out and even if they have grown or I have grown I am just never interested in trying again. I don't have enough time in my life to get back into something that in my eyes will self-destruct given enough time because in the end, at least in my opinion, one or the other person will expect it to go back to the way it was and that can just never happen. Does that make me a cynical prick? (not that anyone on here has called me that but I have heard it mentioned in the outside world) Maybe. But I perfer to think of myself as someone grounded in reality.

The way you came across, it seemed more like you were admonishing Aphrodite because hers was the same as the behavior your girlfriend showed, and it sounds like that inconvenienced you quite a bit. Sort of like you're saying "don't treat other guys the way my gf treated me" which seems more self-serving than truly desiring to help Aprhodite with her issues.

I agree that things which didn't work out usually didn't for a reason. Especially once you've had a full-fledged relationship, and I think Aphrodite realizes that, which is why she rationally knows there would never be another relationship between them. Rational thoughts and emtions are two different things, as we all know.

Wow is that how I came across? I meant to come across with a "I've been there too and I know it sucks but the best thing to do is to move on and forget about him."


I threw the whole thing with my girlfriend in there because I thought it might show her as my g/f let go of the things from her ex I was able to do those things for her.

Kind of a "I know you may never think you will find love again but you will" kind of a thing. Sorry Aphrodite I didn't mean to come across any other way.

Haha... well first let me say that I wasn't insulted or offended by anything said.

DK, I am def not idealizing the relationship, or else I would never have admitted to myself that he was cheating on me. He was not a good person, but when he was with me I imagined I could make him good by my (gag if you want to) "undying love". Usually when I am with someone who I truly care for and love, they bring out the best in me and thats what I wanted to do for him. And I feel that I did somewhat bring out his good points, because he was my greatest friend and I thought at the time that we confided everything in each other.

Yeah, I'll love again... eventually. I mean, that is what I really want and as I go through everyday life I'm always looking. But after not seeing much of a person for over a year, you figure that your over them and they're over you until you get smacked in the face by how lost you are when you realize they're stepping out of your reach for good.

I dunno... I'm being ridiculously emotional about this, and I hate to get that way. Grrr... why am I a woman?? haha.

Aphrodite, I can relate to what you're dealing with. In a sense. Like so many people, I've got that one woman who has embedded herself in my head. This was a woman who set a lot of changes in me, and is greatly responsible for what I've become since. They're not always good influences. As this guy lied and cheated, he doesn't sound like a good ideal. But, I'm sure there was a lot more too him beside that. Things that had a lasting effect. I think that's what we all need to understand is that there was probably a lot more to this guy; we can't just dismiss him as being a jerk and say to just get over it, because of these two bad traits.

Anyway, it took a few months after we broke contact to realize that I'd probably never see her again. And tho she's still local, I never have. But that still does nothing for the desire to. After those first couple of months, it was clear that I could no longer dwell on her tho. I forced myself to move on. I wouldn't recomend that tho. If you start seeing someone just to forget this guy, you may end up in a relationship that isn't right for you. Or not. All I can say is that it didn't work well for me.

So it's been 5 years, and I still haven't really gotten over her. Not completely. I know, rationally, that if I ever do see her again, things will be a lot different than they were. But I still hope to run into her someday. And, like you, I still judge women that I meet now by a standard she set. You may never get over this guy, but after a while you will be able to supress your desires for him. Give your self time to heal.

You'd think a year and a half would be plenty of time, though... thats like a whole new relationship I could have had.

Yeah, he was a HUGE jerk, don't get that wrong. And everyone else thougth so, too. Thats why I looked for something better in him... and found it. *sigh*

Did I mention I hate being a woman yet??