Things with me and my best friend....

**Strawberry_Kisses** · 11-12-2009 12:40 PM

They haven't been going too well recently. Well, more like the past 3 months recently ever since I broke up with my ex boyfriend. I have no clue what to do. Warning, this might be long, I will try to make it as short as possible but it may get way longer than I intend.

I've known him for 6 years and hes my best (guy) friend so this current situation has made it very hard to just walk away from everything.

Anyways, to the actual current situation

3 months ago, me and my ex broke up. That same day that I broke up with him, I saw my best friend. I almost didn't go because I wasn't feeling all that great considering, but I figured since I hadn't seen him for a bit that it would be good to see him and he would take my mind of stuff. And he did, until he starts talking about how he was still attracted to me (we dated long distance for the most part(know each other from camp haha) when we were like 18-19, Im 23 now so it was a long time ago but I live in the same city as him now) and how he had some sort of feelings for me still but didn't know what they were, and then asked me if we could be friends with benefits. His reasoning for it was that because we knew each other so well it would be better to do it with each other rather then some random person. Anyway, he tells me to think about it, I was extremely shocked at him for even asking that.

2 weeks after that, we see each other and just hang out and watch a movie. It could have been innocent, but it wasn't. Things happened and well since I figured that this was me and him silently agreeing to said arrangement above, that when I walked him outside to his car that I would just say bye and stuff. So I did that, and he tells me to come here cause I was like probably 4 feet from him and then hugs me and kisses me. Oh and before that he was like asking me to ask him to stay longer and stuff...definitely not something a fwb should be doing or a best friend.

So after that, he doesn't talk to me for almost 2 weeks, and then emails me and tells me that he still isnt ready for a relationship and that apparently he knew that "it wasnt what I wanted" and that whatever happened was mainly physical for him.

So we don't talk again for another 2 weeks because well one of the things he likes to do is avoid things that are bothering him and hopes that they go away on their own.... so he starts talking to me on facebook and then calls me and we get into a almost 3 hour long conversation. End result that he just wants to be friends for now and that he is confused about how he feels about me but he isnt sure if he wants to find it out. I was feeling the same way too about things.

So this friends thing lasts for like 3 days, and then we were talking to each other again a lot like at least every other day or so and then he starts asking questions about my ex boyfriend like if he was still talking to me and stuff and one day came on to facebook chat JUST to ask me if he was still talking to me still and then left after I told him. So eventually I was just like okay I gotta figure out a way to make him stop asking about him, because it was weird, so one day I just tried to change the subject on him and it seemed to work after that. Well then he starts pulling this bullshit on me and tries to initiate sexual conversations with me.

So 3 weeks ago, we go to a concert together and after the concert we are sitting in his car and just talking about random stuff and then as I was about to go apparently I got a look on my face that I wanted to tell him something but that I wasn't sure whether or not to say it. Well, unfortunately he was right, because I kind of wanted to talk to him about the recent topic of our conversations. Then he proceeds to tell me that he isnt confused anymore, and that he thinks that we should be friends for now. So I felt stupid at first, but then he said the for now thing and that it wasn't permanent. So I was like ooookay what the hell, cause you cant just say that you want to be friends with someone and then say that your mind can change at anytime type deal. So, I tell him that I'm still really confused about whats going on for me because of everything that he has been doing. It has been very confusing from a friend standpoint. I'll post it after if anyone needs any clarification, but this post will be way too long if I do.

So I just keep on telling him that I'm confused and stuff and he was like so what do you want to do and I just kept on saying i have no clue. Then out of the blue he was like well why don't you just show me. So, stupidly I kissed him, and then after that he was like did that help and I was like no cause obviously kissing him isn't going to help anything. So then we kiss again and he asked me if I was trying to make him confused again. Anyway, stuff happened again... ugh.

Ever since that day, I've talked to him a few times, and I just figured that he would just want to forget about it and pretend like nothing happened, so that is how I have acted, like nothing happened. Well, it doesn't seem to be going too well because he has been acting weird, like he is angry that I haven't said anything about it. A couple of days ago, I mentioned to him the movie he wanted to watch with me and asked with like no pressure type deal oh wanna watch the movie and then said 'maybe sometime' and then said he had to go (this was on the comp). Oh I should add, when he does stuff like that it means hes avoiding stuff. Why he is avoiding it, I have no clue.

This has been kind of a big thing for me, because he is one of my best friends so I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to figure out how me and him can go from 3-4 years of not having anything more then friendship going on to bam all of the stuff going on right now. I'm not ready for a relationship right now and I have made it clear to him that its not what I am trying to get into. He is also not ready for anything right now, because he just broke up with someone a few months ago that he had been dating pretty much ever since we broke up a million years ago. Oh I should probably add that we haven't slept together (ever) and I have been doing my best to prevent that from happening because I figure at this point it might do more harm then good.

But basically, Im just wondering what other peoples opinions are of what is going on with him, because I have no clue. Even though I know him quite well, I would like to know if like what I think is going on with him is what other people think.

I really dont know what to do though, sometimes I feel like this going back and forth is crazy and that I should just stop talking to him for a while, but I know it wont solve anything because that's generally his style of conflict resolution.. lol. Right now I think that me and him should just be friends but I will admit that I still have some confusion in terms of other feelings that will eventually have to either be figured out or just magically disappear (which is laughable)

Cliff Notes Version: My best friend is confusing me by sending me mixed signals galore, and I have no clue what he is feeling.

Oh and by the way, thank you to anyone who reads this.

**Ghetto Onion** · 11-12-2009 01:32 PM

I dunno, to me it sounds like he developed feelings for you because you were unavailable, and then jumped on the chance whenever you became single, but now the attraction of you being unavailable and just out of reach is gone and so he's confused as to whether he actually likes you.

And sorry but I think its really shitty that your bff wants to be friends with benefits the same day you break up with someone. He's playing head games with you and you need to put a stop to it, or else your friendship is going down the shitter.

**Jet** · 11-14-2009 12:21 AM

Yup, I agree. I say chill out, stay away from boys, keep your distance from this dude for a good couple of months. Your head needs time to sort itself out and clear out lingering emotions from your breakup etc. Don't make any decision, just chill.

**Strawberry_Kisses** · 11-16-2009 08:01 PM

So a bit of an update, my ex boyfriend tried to get back together with me (AGAIN) so I told my best friend about it to talk to him about it as a friend... now all of a sudden he is acting perfectly normal, and now he wants to hang out so we are hanging out on the weekend for his birthday.

Thoughts?

**rubytuesday** · 11-16-2009 08:32 PM

He probably feels off the hook because you are focusing on another man.

I've been in a situation similar to this. I went out with this guy for a few months, we broke it off but ended up as best friends. Very cool guy. To this day I still regard him highly. However it took a long time to get to that place.

I remember before we got it settled that he tried to explore his feelings for me. This was in the budding friendship/post relationship stage. Very confusing place. He did all sorts of crap. Everything from telling me to close my eyes and kissing me (his explanation: he wanted to see what if felt like) to trying to stand behind me with his arms around me. I had to draw the boundary. Finally I told him that what he was doing wasn't cool. He was sending mixed messages. Stick with one script type of thing. Either be my friend and quit leading me on or sit his ass down and commit. He selected the former.

I think this is kinda what happened with your friend. He is/was confused about where his emotions for you are. Are you his really good female friend that he thinks of dearly or do his emotions cross over into the romantic realm? It looks like he has made up his mind. At least for now.

Anyway, after all that background, that is what makes me think that he feels safe now that you have another man to focus on. It takes him off the hook so to speak and he doesn't have to worry about leading you on or making a commitment that he's not able to.

**Strawberry_Kisses** · 01-03-2010 02:18 AM

So under Like's advice, I decided to make an update on this.

After trying so hard to avoid this from happening... me and him ended up sleeping together anyway. At the time I thought that it would be a good way for this sexual tension charade to be done and over with...I was TOTALLY wrong and it backfired in my face I suppose.

I figured for him that it would be just sex, so a couple of days after it happened (this was a month ago now) I figured I would just make that clear between us that it was just sex and that was all since that was what it was supposed to be anyhow. He decides to give me this bs about how he didn't know what it meant to him and that he was confused about how he felt so he needed time to think about it.

So I gave him time, because I was also very confused after that even though I was putting on the face above about it being just sex... well.. it wasn't exactly. I can't exactly say I have been an angel in this, because I actually avoided him for most of last month because I had exams and then I went home for a couple of days so the amount of talking we have done since then has been pretty minimal for us since on the inside I was freaking out hardcore about this due to revelations on my part.

But then this week, I was home and had a ridiculous amount of time off ..like the whole week off so I was trying to get him to chill with me so that we could figure this out before the new year started, but that didn't happen because he was "tired"... and he was also supposed to come out with me for new years as well, but then he decided to be a loser and be tired and stay at home with his parents. Which was completely fine with me, I just feel like he is still trying to avoid talking about this.

I made it one of my new years resolutions to not let this situation and indecision go on any longer between us so I tried to talk to him about it tonight...but again that didn't happen.

I'm a very patient person, and he totally knows that. But I'm REALLY starting to loose my patience on this one. I just want to go back to being friends since he is obviously unsure of what he wants or is just being a pansy of some sorts so it would be just better I guess even though I have kind of realized that I may have some sort of feelings for him.

What should I do? I don't even know if its worth trying to figure out what the hell his problem is or what he feels anymore.

**Greaser** · 01-03-2010 07:55 AM

Opposite sex friends are difficult to maintain if there is any sort of attraction just unwarranted drama right now I got 2 girls trying to get with me by being "friends" even tho they both are in committed relationships. Honestly attraction is difficult to control unless he has a girlfriend besides you. But bottom line if you can't date him I don't think it's worth the drama of having someone like that around. Right now you're going thru lots of emotions and feelings of lonelines which is exspected of a break up. Your encounters with this friend is only a quick temporary fix and offers no strength or serenity of your well being. I personally would cut him out of your life till your life and head game is straight.

**rubytuesday** · 01-03-2010 12:53 PM

Normally I'd say that he has made his decision. However you were not honest with him so he doesn't have all the necessary information to make a decision. Unfortunately that was a mistake on your part. I know why you did it - and I don't blame you for it. But it's put a bit of a bungle on things.

Now you are in a catch-22. He is obviously wanting to avoid the whole thing because it's not jiving with him as it stands. You want (and need) to talk to him to tell him the truth. But since he's avoiding it and you then you can't.

However, these things are never really easy and human relations aren't pretty. So your best bet is to bite the bullet and go talk to him. He's had enough time to stew. I wouldn't go in all emotional, but just tell him the truth about how you feel. Then let him stew over that. See what response you get. It is possible he may need time to digest the new information.

It would be nice if people and relationships worked on deadlines but they don't. It's a good thing you are patient.

Still, in the end if it doesn't work out because he just can't commit it doesn't mean you can't be friends. It just means you have to take a break from each other for a while until things get under control.

**Strawberry_Kisses** · 01-03-2010 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by Greaser

Right now you're going thru lots of emotions and feelings of lonelines which is exspected of a break up. Your encounters with this friend is only a quick temporary fix and offers no strength or serenity of your well being. I personally would cut him out of your life till your life and head game is straight.

I'm actually completely over my break up to be honest. Before I actually called it off with my ex, I was going through the emotional stages of it being over, and it was over between us before it actually ended. I wouldn't be ready just yet to get into a full-blown relationship, but I would be ready to date someone and see where things go and then maybe get into a relationship, but not for a couple of months at least. The only emotions I have been going through have to do with what is going on with him and not my ex.

And now that I have had time to think about it... he knew that I was confused from before so it was more of a continuation... I've got it pretty good now, I'm just waiting for him pretty much.

Originally Posted by rubytuesday

Still, in the end if it doesn't work out because he just can't commit it doesn't mean you can't be friends. It just means you have to take a break from each other for a while until things get under control.

That's EXACTLY how I feel. I don't want to loose him as a friend. Aside from the drama that has been going on, we are actually really good friends and I would be really sad if we lost our friendship, especially over this and after we both said we were both scared of this screwing things up.

I kind of feel like he has made his decision though and that's why he avoiding it and just expects me to guess what it is... but knowing him he's got two decisions to choose from (as in either he thinks we should be friends or he's freaking out about this) Which is why I just want to talk to him about this to get this out of the way so that we can take a break from each other if we need to or figure out what is going to happen.

When I put on the face though of its just sex, I hinted towards him that it may have confused me more along with the other stuff that happened these past couple of months and I think he got it however at this point now it doesn't really matter since now its gone too far.

**rubytuesday** · 01-05-2010 06:14 PM

Have you had a chance to talk to him yet?

**Gutter** · 01-06-2010 12:23 AM

just sounds like you should go with the friends with benifits thing since your attracted to him and hes attracted to you.. that kinda stuff thats going on is kinda normal with fwb cause your best friends.. its not confusion that youre dealing with its what your friendship is turning into cause once you put sex on the table its always going to change cause theres that extra amount of emotions.. i say get a dildo if you cant handle the change in your friendship either that or tell him fwb isnt working out and just be single..

**Strawberry_Kisses** · 01-15-2010 01:19 AM

Originally Posted by rubytuesday

Have you had a chance to talk to him yet?

Now I did.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a good thing.

I just came out with it the fact that we had to talk because I needed stuff to be clarified and I was starting to feel awkward. So then he decided to pull his regular I'm scared and wanna hide routine as always.... and told me that he knew that I wanted to talk about it but that he didn't want to. Which means to him that he will talk about it, its just not going to be easy for me at first... I feel like he plays the insecurity card on me. *bang head*

Soo I've been avoiding him ever since he's decided to act like that. Not sure when I'm going to talk to him cause I'm pretty pissed at him.

**rubytuesday** · 01-15-2010 07:21 PM

I had a hunch that was how he was going to react. There's really nothing you can do at this time anyway. Just do your thing, live your life. Your friendship with him will probably get back on the tracks down the road. But for right now you both need a cooling off period. He needs time to get past it and you need time to quit being angry with him.

**Strawberry_Kisses** · 01-27-2010 02:44 AM

Yeah it was how I knew he was going to react too. But, miraculously, he has finally agreed to hang out with me next weekend. I didn't mention talking to him about anything, but I know that he knows he's going to have to talk about stuff so hopefully we can resolve things and be friends again or whatever comes out of it.

I dont know what made him change his mind about it finally but I'm glad though cause I was super shocked at his revelation.... honestly. It's like his brain went to the mr fix it factory and they restored him back to factory default aka my best friend that I know

**rubytuesday** · 01-27-2010 10:36 PM

Sorry, my head has been in my nose so it was hard to think... still is, but I want to try for you.

I think you have the right attitude in that you just want your friend back. But I would caution you to not push too much too soon. These things should probably be discussed but it's more important to try to restore the balance that was there before any of this crazy f'd up mess started. Sometimes that requires an indirect approach - celebrating the friendship rather than trying to go Freudian so to speak in dissecting it all.

I am glad that you seem to be happy he is back to normal. Rejoice in that.

It'll be a bit tough. No two ways about it. But the friendship, as you have described it, is worth it.

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