Thread: I Can't Be the Only One Who Thinks This is a Bad Idea

Pretty much what Little Bit said. In my experience, people don't show all of the parts of themselves until a year or a year and a half into the relationship. And then it gives you about two years to really find out about each other.

New York is the only state in the U.S. that doesn't allow "no fault" divorces. In every other state, one person can just claim that there are "irreconcilable differences," "incompatibility" or other shit like that and be done with it; the judge splits the estate up 50/50 (in most cases), gives the kids to the mother, and that's it.

In New York, however, there has to be some sort of fault; the six recognized causes of action include:
-Cruel and inhuman treatment (beatings, extreme mental cruelty)
-Abandonment for a year (one person just skips town, for the most part; interestingly enough, sexual abandonment is possible if one party won't give it up for a year or more)
-One person in jail for 3+ years after the marriage
-Adultery
-Conversion of a separation judgment (the courts require it)
-Conversion of a written and acknowledged separation agreement after living separate and apart for more than one year (the two people live apart for a year, go to a judge with a written agreement between them)

Divorces are much tougher to get in New York, and as a result I personally feel it makes the two people actually try to make the marriage work rather than just get a divorce at the first sign of trouble. Couples that "just don't work" can still get their divorce; they just have to live separate from each other for a year and write up a separation agreement. If someone wants to get married twice in one year, they probably have some serious issues anyway. I'm surprised more religious people who fight for the "sanctity of marriage" don't argue for fault-based divorce criteria more often, to be honest. It (hopefully) makes people stop and think before getting married.

In addition (and this is why I personally like it more), the proceedings for "ancillary relief" are more strict in New York. Ancillary relief is stuff like child support/custody, property, and spousal support.

New York uses "equitable distribution" to split the property using a bunch of different criteria (13, but I won't list 'em). Because of the fault-based criteria for divorce, though, it's (somewhat) easier to determine the appropriate amount each person should get. The scumbag in the marriage regularly gets less than 50%.

For stuff like spousal support, the court also takes a look at certain criteria. There are a bunch of factors to be weighed in, like whether one person quit their job to stay at home with the kids, if one person went to work while the other got a degree and higher wages, stuff like that. Usually, it's only granted for a short time after divorce (permanent support is extremely rare; it's more to "get one party back on their feet"), with the length of time determined by the judge.

In my opinion, the biggest ancillary reason I like fault-based divorce is the child custody issue. In no-fault states, one person in a marriage can claim "irreconcilable differences" and get the divorce and kids in one fell swoop. I say "one person," but in reality the mother gets the children most of the time, leaving the father up the creek. You can be the best father in the world, but if you were unfortunate enough to marry a **** she'll leave with half your shit and the kids, leaving you with visitation rights two weekends a month. I feel that there's a tremendous gender bias in no-fault courts with respect to child custody, and that fathers are routinely discriminated against.

In New York, though, kids are treated exactly like everything else; the judge takes a hard look at the impact each parent has, determines where the kids should be going. Both parties can present evidence as to why they should get the kids, and the court decides what's in the best interests of the children. If you're a crummy person, you'll lose custody of your kids, regardless of what gender you are. It eliminates (or at least reduces) the inherent bias towards the mother in divorce proceedings.

Even if a father loses out on physical custody, the court still requires a) reasonable rights of visitation, b) a specified visitation schedule, or c) supervised visitation, so at least he gets to see his kids. Courts rarely deny visitation at all, except in some cases of abuse or drug use.

As far as child support goes, New York has the Child Support Standards Act, which takes an adjusted gross income analysis to determine exactly how much support one parent would owe (17% for the first kid, 25% if there are two kids, etc....interestingly enough, subsequent children are "worth" less and less, according to the law), with a few deviations if you make a shit-ton of money, for education money, medical bills, or stuff like that. Again though, the court looks at all of it, and it can be defended in court.

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tl;dr You actually have to have a good reason to get a divorce in New York, none of this "irreconcilable differences" shit. In addition, property and spousal support aren't simply divided 50/50, but are argued in court using evidence, and eventually calculated by the court. Finally, and most important to me, child custody is determined by the court, which looks at the best interests of the child. One person can't just skip out on the marriage and take the kids.

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Personally, I'm a good dude. I would never abuse, abandon, or cheat on my wife. I plan to be the best father I can be and dedicate my life to my kids. The absolute worst thing that could happen to me, in my eyes, would be marrying a woman who skips out on the marriage at the first sign of trouble (worse, for her own selfish reasons), taking my children with her. I believe in making marriages work regardless of the difficulties, and I plan on marrying a person I can work through life's challenges with. I know that I'll hopefully never need the protections offered by New York law, but I feel it's the best protection I can get in case something does go wrong. As far as my future wife is concerned, I think New York law is also good; if I actually do something wrong, it forces her to actually talk to me about the issue so we can work through it.