Dealing with breakup aftermath and not making bad decisions

**Tia** · 01-23-2010 08:05 PM

Have any of you ever, after getting out of a relationship [my first relationship, lasted 1.5 years and ended horribly 6 months ago], missed the feeling of intimacy more than anything else? How do you deal with that?

It's screwing me over a little bit right now, as I have a friend who recently told me she has a crush on me, but I know that it would be a bad idea for me to go out with her because while she's a great person, there's certain things about her that send up little warning signs.. but I find myself feeling lonely and glossing over those and just thinking about all the good things about her and how I had a crush on her, too, years ago. Etc. And I just don't want to find myself dating her in a few months because I feel lonely and figure it'll work out fine, only to learn later that I should have paid attention to my original misgivings..

My original misgivings were, basically, that she has clinical depression and so did my ex, and she sometimes self-sabotages and so did my ex, and she was behaving VERY clingy-y and so did my ex, and the combination of these scared me off and made me vow to myself never to let myself be with her because then I would have learned nothing from my prior mistakes etc. But.. I just feel lonely now and I can't help but hope that maybe she'll be less clingy in the future and it'll all be peachy? Which.. uhg I shouldn't be hoping that, should I? But I just feel lonely and I don't want to feel that way anymore. Of course.

If none of that made any sense, feel free to ask for clarification. I guess I just want some thoughts/opinions/advice.

**Fruity** · 01-24-2010 12:06 AM

You seem to be very aware that she's not the sort of person you want to be with, and that it is just a way to acquire that level of intimacy that you miss. You need to stay aware of that. You can't go into a relationship thinking parts will change or improve. Its a possibility, but its not worth counting on, and if it doesn't change, do you really want to invest all that time into a relationship that went no where.

My friend just broke up with her last girlfriend. They got together pretty much because she didn't like being alone, and this girl liked her, so she went for it. The whole relationship was "She's too clingy, she's too jealous, i don't really want to be with her" Its taken her about 8 months to break up. She has said several times she will, and that gets talked out of it by the girlfriend.

I think it takes alot of guts to stay single. Sometimes falling into a relationship can seem so easy. But i think you are cheating yourself of something even better by doing that.

Spend time with your friends, and go out and make new friends. Its not really the same, but it can be a good distraction

**sprankified** · 01-24-2010 05:15 PM

fruity's right, falling into a relationship is easy, and if you have any inkling that it's wrong, it most likely is.
i dated a guy like that. super clingy. and even before we dated, i asked a gf about it since i was worried about hurting him down the road when we'd inevitably break up... when you have thoughts like that, you should go with your gut.
the lonliness sucks tho... dunno what to tell you about that. maybe you could casually date around a bit? get a better handle on what you want, instead of just what you don't want? i dunno.

**Greaser** · 01-24-2010 05:18 PM

never settle, you do the same thing as you did before you keep getting the same results
as for the loneliness find hobbies and new stuff to do. youll be in better shape and will attract people that are of better qualities

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