Thread: Abusive Relationships...

I haven't been in this situation and don't know anybody who has been, but I'm led to believe the person doing the beating has a very strong psychological hold over the victim, which means they might believe they deserve the beatings, or can't get away from that person, or similar.

I think that a lot of times (if not all) they are emotionally abused before they are physically abused. So, they believe that they deserve it. Also, I think that there's something in their past or history that has allowed them to be with the type of person that would abuse them in the first place.

Often, the victim will genuinely believe that "He hits me because he loves me." Check out He Hit Me (It Felt Like a Kiss) by the Crystals. Here's the wiki:

"He Hit Me (It Felt Like A Kiss)" is a pop song written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King and recorded by The Crystals under the guidance of Phil Spector in 1962.
The song

Goffin and King wrote the song after discovering that singer Little Eva was being regularly beaten by her boyfriend.[1] When they inquired why she tolerated such treatment, Eva replied, with complete sincerity, that her boyfriend's actions were motivated by his love for her.[1]
The song was written and intended as a sort of protest song from the point of view of an abused woman.[citation needed] Phil Spector's arrangement was ominous and ambiguous.[1]
“ It was a brutal song, as any attempt to justify such violence must be, and Spector’s arrangement only amplified its savagery, framing Barbara Alston’s lone vocal amid a sea of caustic strings and funereal drums, while the backing vocals almost trilled their own belief that the boy had done nothing wrong. In more ironic hands (and a more understanding age), 'He Hit Me' might have passed at least as satire. But Spector showed no sign of appreciating that, nor did he feel any need to. No less than the song’s writers, he was not preaching, he was merely documenting."

I know a few girls in situations like this, and I think I even made a topic about this a while back.
Most of them are verbal and emotional abuse.
“You’re so ugly, you make me wanna puke. You’re lucky I even keep you around”
“Don’t come home tonight, I have a real woman here. Sleep in the car.”

There is also physical abuse though I dont personally know of a girl being put in the hostpital.
Usually authoritites get involved when it gets that far.
However the reason they stay with him and put up with it seems to be the same: they don’t think anyone else will ever care about them. That they’ll be alone forever if they ever let him go.
Its so far from the truth, but they cant believe it or risk believing it in their minds.

Seems like this 'I hit you because I love you.' BS is better than the fear of no one loving them at all.

Originally Posted by Esternogligen

they don’t think anyone else will ever care about them. That they’ll be alone forever if they ever let him go.
Its so far from the truth, but they cant believe it or risk believing it in their minds.

When I look back on my last relationship, it has enough 'warning signs' of emotional abuse that it makes me worried and happy that it's over. And honestly, this right here is one of those warning signs. I was regularly made to feel as though paying attention to me was a chore, or I wasn't worth the time, or my feelings weren't valid/anything that upset me was just a symptom of me being crazy or overreacting. And I was often ignored, and my ex's apologies became worthless because she obviously never meant them.

But you know what? I stayed with her. And the entire fucking time, all I could think was "I need her. I can't live without her. No one will ever love me like she does, I'll never love anyone like I love her." Toward the end, when I began reaching out to my friends in desperation and they'd give me pitying looks and tell me how much better I deserved, I'd make excuses for her and explain how deeply we cared about each other yadda yadda. In my head, thinking, "But she loves me, she doesn't treat me this way on purpose."

I didn't realize until it was over just how much of my self-respect I'd lost. When you're convinced that it's literally impossible for you to live without someone, or that you'll be utterly alone in the world if that one person ever leaves, then you become willing to put up with anything in order to keep them. And it doesn't matter how much pain they put you through, because in the back of your head, you're thinking it'll hurt even more if they leave. And you're afraid of that more than anything. So you make excuses to yourself for why they treat you badly- they 'really' love you, or they 'don't mean to,' or you 'deserve it.' And you put up with it because the alternative seems worse.

I totally see where you're coming from Tia. So do you think, then, that a responsibility lies with friends or family to provide support and alternatives?

I've seen a couple of friends of mine involved in abusive relationships. One of them i feel like I counselled through it, maybe for her sake, maybe for mine. But then comes the question, is it my place to step in and say, "This relationship is no good for this person, so I'm going to take it upon myself to end it."

Lots of guys I know refuse to step in and help one of my friends, because as long as the guy isn't physically hitting her, they think it's not their place. But that just doesn't work with me. Like is it my ego that's saying, "I know what's best," because I've not had any really long relationships, or am I actually doing the right thing for my friend?

Tricky one. And I can't imagine this is the last time I'm going to encounter it.

Tri.. I think I can only answer for myself, but.. your preferred method of 'solving' this would completely and utterly backfire on me. And I don't mean 'backfire now but in a year I'd come around and thank you.' I mean permanently. Like in a year I'd still be pining for her and still wish I was with her and still be captured by her because it had never been my decision/realization at all, only an outside force.

Frankly.. the minute you "take it upon yourself.." you become the one who's taking away her power. Nobody in that situation needs more people around them controlling their lives, forcing them to do things they don't want to do and be in situations they don't want to be in. They need people who make them feel strong, not mindless, people who make them believe in themselves, not doubt their faculties.

The absolute best thing that my friends did for me was validate my feelings. My ex only ever validated my feelings if it suited her or if she could manipulate them to make me feel guilty- otherwise she'd get angry with me or threaten to break up with me if I was 'so unhappy' or flat-out tell me I was expecting too much or being crazy. Which meant that by the end of it, I was actually wondering if I was overreacting by being upset.. I honestly had no sense of whether my feelings had any justification or not. For all I knew, I was being a disgustingly horrible girlfriend by daring to want to be treated like more than an acquaintance. I had no idea anymore.

When one of my friends told me that she'd have reacted much, much more strongly by then, I realized for the first time that maybe it was my ex who was being unreasonable, and not me, and maybe I'm not crazy, and maybe I was completely and utterly valid in my worry and anger. And that was a big deal. It didn't make me break it off with her. But it made me feel a little stronger. Like I had the ability to defend myself when the 'big fight' came. It was a lot better than doubting my sanity and feeling guilty.

Yeah, I was just asking myself that question. I mean if a relationship is not healthy anymore what is the point of being together. And seriously, abusive relationship is not healthy at all.

My friend told me that women like this feel very insecure and they degrade themselves, thinking that nobody will love them ever. That's why when she found this guy, even though he beats her to death, she didn't want to leave because she's afraid that if she's going to leave him, she's gonna end up with nobody, no man to love her. It's a psychological thing, really, and it's hard to convince them to do what we should do: leave.