Thread: this just keeps bugging me..

Being sexually assaulted and then raped does certainly sound annoying. Sorry penny-lane but this is serious shit you are pretending isn't criminal abuse. You posted the question so you obviously have working instincts. LISTEN TO THEM AND RUN FAST AND FAR. It sounds to me like you are choosing to ignore them and place more importance on keeping this 'boyfriend'.

You've been sexually abused before and that is something that colors how you view relationships for the rest of your life. Don't ignore that fact because you need help to understand that it is NOT OK to be forced into anything.

Here are the facts for you to focus on.

1. During the first month of your relationship, so within less than 30 days of knowing him, he overpowered and forced himself on you.

Sexual Assault: It is a crime to knowingly cause another person to engage in an unwanted sexual act by force or threat.

2. How ever many days after the first assault

"he hurt me so much i cried and even bled a little. its seems like saying no isn't enough"

Rape: An assault by a person involving sexual intercourse with another person without that person's consent.

i've just decided to not be alone with him wen he's drunk, i mean wen he's sober he is pretty much fine and not pushy and stuff and nice.

but it just keeps bugging me and its been a while now since those incidents and i'm still a bit annoyed like i can't get over it

YOU KNOW what is right and what is wrong here penny-lane.

Knowing someone for a few dozen days and/or applying a label like 'boyfriend' is irrelevant when you are being physically abused. A crime is a crime and assault is assault.

I'm a guy but I've known women in similar situations. I believe there was a point in their life where they decided to either listen to that nagging doubt and get out of the abusive cycle or relationship or lie back and make excuses for why they should let themselves be abused. This is your first 'boyfriend'. You have to make this YOUR turning point. End the cycle. Start by leaving this guy and call the cops if he doesn't get it.

You need to reach out to some qualified people or at least look to sites designed to help women with the very real and all to common crime of sexual assault. You'll get more useful sites if you google sexual assault support in your own area but here a a few links I found to at least get you thinking about things and the fact that you are a person who deserves to be respected and loved - not abused.

Sexual Assault | What is Sex? | Teens | sexualityandu.ca - Your Link to Sexual Well-Being
Sexual Assault << Frequently Asked Questions << womenshealth.gov
Rape and Sexual Abuse Survivors - Dancing In The Darkness

i'm agreeing with everyone else that what he has done is wrong. You need to get out that relationship. Although i'm not one to talk, because a similar thing happened to me when i was young. He forcibly did things to me that i told him i didn't want. The bleeding, the crying. All that. And then i put it down to him being drunk. But even when someone is drunk, its not acceptable. You don't deserve that, ever. It took me ages for me to admit that what happened wasn't wrong. I had made all sorts of excuses for him. its one of my biggest regrets that he got let off so lightly. I look back on that situation and wish i had done everything differently. So know that this isn't right, and that you deserve better. This is not a position you should be putting yourself in so get out while you can.

I'd say there's an 80-90% chance he's going to get drunk and rape you at some point. Leave him before that happens.

It really, honestly, completely, does not matter one shit how he behaves when he's sober if he's able to do that to you while drunk. A drunk rapist is still a rapist. They're not less of a rapist just because they were drunk. Plenty of drunk men manage not to sexually assault their girlfriends.

Do you think you don't deserve better than him? Because you do. You deserve to be with a man who, when he's drunk, you just laugh at him because he's being silly. You deserve to be with a man who doesn't suddenly turn into a totally different person under the EXCUSE of alcohol.

HE FUCKING MADE YOU CRY BECAUSE HE WAS FORCING HIMSELF ON YOU. That is NOT acceptable, in ANY way, for ANY reason, under ANY circumstance. EVER. It cannot be rationalized. There is no excuse. There is no mitigating circumstance. EVER.

Yes, that caps lock was yelling. And maybe what worries me most is that we're all more scared for you than you seem to be for yourself.

Absolutely nothing I can say that hasn't been said. Just gtf out of there before something even worse happens.

For what it's worth, your case is a textbook definition of an abusive relationship. He forced himself on you, you said no, he didn't listen. The next day (Or however long) he says "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it." Apology is accepted, life goes on for a little bit until he does it again...rinse and repeat. I really hope you realize that you deserve way better than him before it gets worse. The longer you stay, the worse it'll get, and the harder it'll be to get out. And, well, it's already happened twice now and you can see that it was worse the second time.

A little story that I've not shared with anybody.. My ex-fiance and I were together for three years when one night he decided he was going to force himself on me despite my telling him 'no' many, many times. I broke up with him because you know what? It's not okay. I mean, I understand you have feelings for him and it might be hard but it isn't impossible. It's just not worth it to stay. You said you'll just stay away from him when he's drunk but how far can a relationship really go if you can't fully trust him?

Penny-lane - you have managed to get yourself into an abusive relationship, and I really hope that by now you have managed to get away from this guy and that you are ok.

He is NOT a lovely guy, he is a coward who needs the courage that alcohol gives him to sexually assault you. Being in a relationship with someone that you have to be careful around when they are drinking is not a healthy situation to be in.
You said that you have to cry to make him stop, sweetheart that really upsets me - and I'm sure it upsets a lot of people.
You say that because you have feelings for him you don't want to leave him - I do understand that, I was in a violent relationship for 4 years.

I was sexually abused as a child, my father was a violent alcoholic and so was my first boyfriend.
Please don't let this guy destroy your self-esteem. I always said to myself that I needed to be aware of when my partner was drinking , to watch what I said, and that if I could just be a better girlfriend then everything would be ok and the violence would stop.
After we'd been together for a year he didn't need to be drunk, and that's when it becomes terrifying.
As you have already said, you'll try not to be alone with him when he's drinking and that works because it's like an early warning system - he's drunk so you know there's a chance that something bad will happen. Once he stops needing alcohol as an excuse and that early warning system is gone, you will have no idea when the next assault will happen.

Obviously you know that this is wrong, you are making excuses for his behavior and with men like this the more you forgive them, and the more they get away with the more they'll do it.
He knows that all he has to do is apologize, blame alcohol, and you'll forgive him and he can do it again.

If this was happening to your sister - if you have one - or your best friend, would you think it was acceptable? Would you tell her that she should stay with him because he's a lovely guy when he's sober?
You deserve to be treated with respect, to have your boundaries respected, and to not have to cry to make this man stop trying to rape you

Yayayay!!! Methinks that was a very wise move!