Thread: My issue

Unfortunately there is no overnight cure for this. As far as I can tell no one likes therapists or counselors. Probably because those people can be seen as a sign of weakness. We like to think we can handle things on our own. In my opinion the first sign of being an independent person is being able to ask for help when you need it. Which you have done here which is a good sign!
What it sounds like to me when you list your good qualities and what not and then said no one would love your for it only tells me that you don't love yourself or even like yourself. If you did then you would not think that others could not like you or love you. Does that make sense?
People wonder how they can get someone else to love them, but the first step is really taking a step back and really starting to love yourself. If you think you do Ego you are kidding yourself.
If you don't want to see a counselor right away I would maybe start with a journal. Write out what you are feeling, get a look at it on paper. Once it is out you will begin to see these things and they will become something substantial. Once they are substantial they will become something you can deal with. Eventually though I would have to say you might need to talk to someone about this. It is a lot more common than you might think and they are trained and schooled in how to deal with this.

I too can relate. It's gotten better over the past year or so. I have had a few dates and been more sociable with men. I have had to force myself to just swallow my fears a few times and press ahead. I figured, what's the worse that can happen? They say no? It isn't like I haven't heard that before. One more time won't hurt. At least I hope not.

I am not sure about that whole disparity thing you mentioned. Perhaps there is an underlying current of doubt you aren't admitting to? You wouldn't be the first person to fib to yourself. And goodness knows you won't be the last.

I think that the journal idea is a good one. Especially since you say you don't have the resources to go to a counselor, dislike of them aside. Seeing things in print really helps. It lets a person really study their thoughts.

And now to get all Stuart Smalley from SNL on you... some daily affirmations might help. Yeah, the king of satiric psycho-babble has a point. If you say positive things to yourself each day everyday it might just sink in.

Good luck and keep us posted!

(And welcome to S-B )

I've been thinking about this question for quite a while after reading your post, Altered. So many people have this problem where they feel like they are unworthy of love. In one curious incarnation of the problem, the more people tell you that you're worthy of love, the less worthy of that love you feel.

My theory is that this is because you either don't know who you really are, or you're afraid to show the real you to people. There are things you're holding back from people because you're afraid of what you see as inevitable rejection that will come from showing people your true colors. So when people say "Oh Altered, you're such a great person," You say "Thanks." But what you're really thinking is "If you knew how terrible I was, you would never think I was a good person." And that makes it even worse, because now you're not only horrible, but you're a fraud, too.

Other people don't know who they are, so they say whatever they have to to make nice or impress people, or accomplish whatever secondary goal they have besides a true expression of the self. When they receive compliments, it's slightly more gratifying because at least they're being congratulated on their ability to pretend to have substance.

I'm not sure this is what's going on with you, but both of these are what's going on with me, so maybe it will be helpful for you to read about. What are the ways to combat this? Well, I still struggle with both of these things, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to give advice, but these are things I know work for me when I feel like helping myself.

The first step is to get to know who you really are. As others have mentioned, a journal is amazingly helpful towards this goal. Something about writing down your thoughts in a concrete way so that you can see objectively "Ok, at one point I felt this way. This is me." is really helpful. After journaling for a long time, you do start to get a sense for the feelings you're capable of and who you really are.

The second is to become the person you wish yourself to be. We all have an ideal person in our heads, the person we wished we could be. I think really striving to become that person can help us to be more confident that we're good people. I think the best person in the world is calm, caring, physically fit, ambitious, and empathetic. So I struggle to make myself into those things as much as possible to the point where I can be convinced "OK, these things are me."

The third step is to accept your shortcomings. Once you accept your shortcomings, you're not as worried about people "finding you out" because you've already dealt with them. I can't tell you the number of things that terrified me when I was a teenager, all of those things I dreaded people finding out about me. Once I accepted them, they didn't bother me anymore and I could understand why somebody would love me. This combined with striving to become my best self made it so I wasn't so afraid to show people who I really was: I actually kind of liked that person!

I'm struggling with all of these things right now. I feel like I have a whole new batch of weaknesses to come to grips with, I've had a hard time continuing in my dedication to being the person I want to be, and to a sense, I've lost sight of who I really am. Understandably, I've had issues lately with the concept that somebody could ever love me. But there have been times in my past when I was clicking on all three of these factors, and I honestly felt like I was deserving of love. It was amazing, trust me. It takes perseverence and a lot of deep thought, but as you yourself said, you're too pretty, have too good a heart and too good a mind for it not to work if you stick with it.

Hmmm Altered.Seems you are not alone in your shared problem.I wrote something a few nights ago for myself when I was feeling bad after being a jerk.

"Why can't I love myself?I'm not good company.I follow myself wherever I go.It's not fun you know.Peace why don't you ever stay?I forge your existance with a tapistry of little lies that fall apart before I'm finished.Gone before I can take in a breath of content.It's hard to justify my existance.If I can amuse myself with distractions, perhaps I'll never have to answer questions I don't have answers for."

My experience is that you never really do get over it.I think you want to believe it can be done but I think at least for me it is in my hard wiring.I would have to have severe brain trama to forget the cemented core beliefs about myself drilled in,in my formative years.I think it's like alchoholism.You don't get "over it", you manage it.

I find when I do well, dicipline myself.Work out 5 to 7 days a week.Keep things clean and take risks I start to learn to trust myself and have greater respect and esteem for myself.While that feels great and all it is not truely owned self worth because it is contengent on performance.I have to put up so much posative results to drown out all the voices of negativity.It can be done but as soon as I let up and the results slip the negative core self view takes the drivers seat.

The only thing that I know that helps me "Manage" to feel good about myself is A)Performing so stellar that negativity is drowned out.B)Put my efforts into making someone else happy.This gives you purpose and it shifts your focus away from yourself on to someone else/others.

I've had the exact same thoughts on the subject, NB. Damn.

That's actually the exact thought that propelled me into my depression these past few months: Sure I was happy when I was kicking ass, but as soon as I slipped a little bit, my whole world came crashing down.

Then that turned into a cycle where I felt like it was hopeless, that I'd be doomed to always having to fight this feeling of being no good. I started to think about what would happen if I were paralyzed and coudln't work out anymore (one of the only things that consistently makes me feel good about myself)? What if I couldn't play music, what if I couldn't do any of the things that I always depend on to convince myself that I was a good person? How could I possibly keep a positive view of things?

I honestly still haven't figured out the answers to those questions but I decided I'll cross that bridge when I become paralyzed.

I've gotten a lot better in the last year or two... but one thing I found that absolutely does NOT work... is arguing with yourself. I remember... feeling like I was trying to convince my subconscious that I deserved the love and happiness that I knew I wasn't getting from my husband. Like part of me believed it (though I have no idea on what level), and the rest of me did not.

I was a master at reasoning my way into anything being my fault. I did anything I could to avoid confrontation. Including lay down like a damn dormat and take ANY attention I was given, instead of demanding the positive treatment any human deserves.

I felt pathetic 99% of the time, but because of the constant beating myself up... I had almost no energy left to even WANT to change.

It is not easy... hell I couldn't even find an outlet to push that negative energy cause I couldn't leave my house. But.... it is possible to overcome it. You have to tell yourself over and over and over and over again. Be a broken record. Arguing with yourself doesn't work... You have to just CHANGE your mind. End of story. Stomp out the negative, mean and nasty thoughts... and replace them with all the good things your family and friends keep trying to pound into you. That's the only way I got past it.

I think you guys are so awesome.... I just wanted to say that.

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Devious. Do you now accept yourself and do you now get the love from your husband you feel yourself deserving of?

You are right, arguing doesn&#39;t help. It just confuses things and makes me argue back harder. I do like to rebel. Even if I shouldn&#39;t.[/b]

Yes, I do. I had a lot of help from my Mother... who all of my inlaws now term as nosey and opinionated, but I don&#39;t care. She helped save my ass. Basically, she just kicked my ass. I finally got up the nerve to tell my husband I wanted a seperation (my decision, not Moms) and she let me come live with her. I was not around the negativity I was before, nor the circumstances. I did things on my own and did not worry about HIS approval. I grew up, I grew strong, I grew independant. The first time he asked me to come home I said no. It had been 5 months and I knew by then that I deserved better... that if I worked hard enough I could GET better... and it wasn&#39;t necessarily going to be him. I took the ultimate fearful step and left him... and knew I was healthy again, when I was ok with never going back. (I&#39;ll spare ya&#39;ll the more intimate details of things).

He knows I&#39;m better, that I&#39;ve changed... that I won&#39;t stand for what I had before. He treats me AND my daughter 100 times better... and I&#39;ve been back 10 months now.

It IS possible to change and realize how good you actually deserve it. But it does not happen quickly, or easily.

Alterd...


I know exactly how you feel.... my dad is almost the same way.

always harping... hardly or never any encouragement.

he has always been like that. and to top it off we allways moved alot and i had a hard time adjusting to new people. so I was laways the one picked on in school. and now to top it off i also have Chronic Dythemia... a type of depression that without meds means i am always slightly depressed which isn&#39;t too bad but it can get really dangerous if i get really depressed (it can be worse than a manic depressive). And it makes it hard to have a relationship too. Lots of ladies tell me i look cute or I am gorgeous etc etc and sometimes i think they are just delusional or just being nice.

Having positive friends does help. I can think of one friend i have known for years... she has a habit of kicking me in the head when i start in on the self-pity road. I guess it must have worked because i am getting better (been without meds for a few months now and it is going good so far) but at some point you just have to stand up for yourself and say DAMMIT! I AM somebody, I AM special and you WILL not walk on me!

I don&#39;t necissarily reccomend this to you but last time my dad harped on me i just looked him in the face and told him that no matter what i did it would never be good enough for him so it was just up to him to take me the way I am. He was kinda pissed about it for a while but he got over it and now we get along... he is also much more hmmmm encouraging i guess you could say towards me.


So having positive people around you does help but like devious said... in the end you just have to stand up for yourself.