Thread: Guide to Riding a Bus

Not sure if i should've posted this here or in the Joke Forum, but i wrote this for my Uni mag that's doing a comedy special next edition. Tell me if you think it's funny and worth submitting, or any suggestions to improve it would be appreciated, thanks.

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GUIDE TO RIDING A BUS

Like many people here at La Trobe, I take a bus to and from Uni. At first it sucked, and… yeah it still sucks, but after a while I picked up a few things that help make each trip more bearable. So here it is, my step-by-step guide to riding a bus.

GETTING ON:
When the bus pulls up to your stop, and there’s a few people waiting, there is usually some kind of order set out as to who will board the bus first. Ignore this attempt at social harmony – it only wastes time. Push past those two idiots saying:
“You first”
“No, after you!”
Chastise that weird looking year-seven kid who can’t find his met card; ignore that old lady asking for help with her pusher; just grab your ticket and get on.

WHERE TO SIT?
You are now faced with the most crucial bus-riding decision you will ever have to make. Where to sit. There are many factors one must consider before sitting down, such as:
- Is there a wheel hump where my feet should go?
- Will I be shaded, or will the sun be shining in my face the entire way?
- How close is the cord or button to where I’m sitting?
- And finally, but most importantly: If I sit here will some Marylyn Manson’s look-alike decide to sit next to me?
Ever noticed that when you get on a bus, everyone is sitting as far away from each other as possible? It’s not a coincidence. The mindset of the average bus-rider is that when you’re on a bus, you must treat everyone else on the bus as if they were the plague. My theory is, when you’re on a bus, everyone around you becomes the scum of society – and hey, you can’t argue with that logic.

HOW TO PREVENT SOMEONE SITTING NEXT TO YOU:
There is only one solution to this, and that is isolation. I have witnessed several different techniques used by a range of bus travelers to achieve this, some work and some don’t. Here is a list of some good ones - the further down the list, the more desperate the situation:
- Put your bag on the seat next to you. Sure, it’s old school, but why mess with the classics?
- Play the loudest, most offensive music possible out of your walkman/discman. The more violent the lyrics the better. Hardcore rap or death-metal is preferable.
- Don’t just listen to your music; get a bit of a head nod going. Coupled with some hard gangsta rap, a head bop and an angry look on your face does wonders.
- Discard the discman and walkman all together. Think of a weird song and whistle to it, adding in a few lyrics here and there. Sing in another language if possible. Only amateurs need music to be obnoxious.
- Sit on the isle-side of the seat. If they want to sit next to you, they’re going to have to climb over you.
- Give boarding passengers ‘the crazy eyes’ if they begin to walk in your direction. You know what I’m talking about.
- Talk to yourself
Use a combination of the above for best results.
If someone has the nerve to ask if they can sit next to you, you have failed.

GETTING OFF:
Your stop is up ahead? Throw your discman into your bag and get ready to walk to the door. Ever notice that some buses have an overhead compartment-type roof structure? If you’re relatively tall like I am, you’ll want to avoid standing straight up and slamming your dome into one of these things. Check before you get up.
If you’re not in a rush to get off, wait until the bus has completely stopped until you even get out of your seat. Other passengers enjoy waiting for you to stroll out of the door, because they have nothing better to do than spend 5 minutes at some shit-hole bus stop.
If you’ve got one of those crazy bus drivers who likes to open the doors at 40km/h, resist the urge to stay inside the bus until it has stopped. Not only does it waste time, it’s amusing for other passengers to see someone trip and fall on the nature strip.

So there you have it, your bus woes are over. So if anyone sees me on the bus and wants to have a chat or just say hello – stay the hell away from me. Freak.

lol good job kenyon!
That was pretty good. . . unfourtinitly (sp?) I won't be using your great bus tips. . . no one rides the bus around here