Thread: Guide to Teenage Dating

Like everything in life, you have to plan for the best and prepare for the worst. When dating in high school, people tend to forget this rule. This is a tricky time. Dating is new, and you don’t know much about it. What seems like a good idea now just might cause you much heartbreak and despair in the future. Although a relationship might be just what you need and you want to be with your new boyfriend or girlfriend all day, you must remember: everything has its expiration date. Follow some rules, recognize the type of relationship you are in, and avoid throwing away your friends and social life simply because you have a new boy/girl in your life. There is life after breakup. To those new to dating, use some of this information to avoid common mistakes, and follow some tips towards establishing a successful relationship.

The Pre-game:

First Dates - pressure, expectations, fear:
1. When you’re young and in school, you already have a big advantage in the dating world. You have instant access to hundreds or thousands of people of the opposite sex to meet, ask out, and date. You don’t have to go through the tedious process of going to bars and dance clubs to meet people – so already consider yourself lucky.

2. Presuming that you already know the boy or girl you are going to ask out, via classes, friends, or something else, try to think of something that you two would have in common. If you are going to ask her out, make sure to have some sort of date in mind. If you both play soccer, then ask her to go see a school soccer game. If you both have a good sense of humor, then a comedy movie will be right up your alley. Not everyone will know enough about the person they ask out to think of some perfect first date, but the first date doesn’t have to be perfect. You just need to think of somewhere that you both will be comfortable in, somewhere where you can relax. A familiar setting, like the movie theater, mall, your school sports games, or something else will be just fine. Teenagers are generally very nervous on a first date and they need to be somewhere where they feel at home.

3. When you ask someone out, make sure you get a conversation going. “Do you want to go out?” is not a conversation starter. Go up to the person, start a brief, innocent conversation about school or friends or vacation, and then gradually move to asking someone out. If the other person feels interested in talking to you, then ask them out. If they blow you off and give you one-word answers, don’t ask them out. Timing is everything. Ask them how their soccer practice was, then ask when the next Varsity game is, then ask if they would like to go see it with you. Your succession of questions made sense, you made the other person feel comfortable, and you’re inviting them to do something you both have an interest in. Perfect, no? Assuming the other person says yes, we will move on to the date.

4. Nervousness will be a natural occurrence before a first date with someone you like. You want to get to know them, and potentially date them, so your stomach will be in knots. Just know though, there is no need to be scared. The worst thing that could possibly happen is you find out that you two don’t have as much in common as you once thought. And that’s perfectly all right.

5. If the guy asked the girl out, then he should pick her up for the date, and do normal gentleman things for her, such as open her door when she gets in the car, offer her his coat if its cold, and other things. If the girl asks the guy out, then you can determine later who will do the driving. It’s an easy rule that if you ask someone out, expect that you should drive the other person. On a first date, it would be expected that the guy pay for the girl’s ticket, food, or whatever.

6. Talking is the priority of the first date. Asking appropriate questions about the other person’s life and interests and personality is what the whole purpose of the date is for. It is preferable to go somewhere where talking is the main activity, such as a restaurant or the mall. A sporting event is also a good place. Movies are not, but after the movie go to a restaurant and you can talk there. Ask the other person questions that will determine how much you have in common – what sort of music they like, favorite movies, sports they play, places they vacation, college aspirations, goals in life, favorite teachers, summer activities, past jobs, whatever. There are so many possibilities as to what to talk about, that once you find a place where you have time to talk, you won’t have trouble filling your time.

7. After the movie, dinner, or game is over, its time to head home. If you were at a movie, its now time to head to Starbucks or an ice cream parlor to talk for a while. As you go home, don’t bring up going out again, yet. It is too soon. When you get to your date’s driveway, a lot of times you could talk for a few more minutes. If you had a very successful date, you may get a kiss. Usually, it would be appropriate for the girl to initiate a kiss on the first date, because a lot of times girls don’t like it when guys try to kiss too soon, so let the girl make the first move. A first kiss is good, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you two are boyfriend and girlfriend yet. First date: done. Good job. Not so scary?

8. Remember: if a guy or girl accepts to go on a date with you, they like you. It means they want to get to know you just as much as you want to get to know them. The pressure isn’t just on you, so don’t feel so scared. They have the same tenseness and stomach knots that you have. Enjoy your time, make the other person feel relaxed, and you will too. What’s the worst that could happen?

After the first date:
1. Do not IM or call the boy or girl that you just had a date with the same night as the first date. Give each other a day or two of space. If you guys had your first date on a Saturday night, talk to her at school on Monday. If the other person seems happy to see you, and maybe even touchy (gives you a hug, or puts their arm around you) then that generally means they want another date. If you don’t see them in school, talk to them online or call them up on the Monday or Tuesday night, and ask how they have been. If they are happy to be with and talk to you, feel free to ask them out for a second date. If your first date was on a weekend, make your second date on a weekend too, so you have ample time in-between the dates (rushing the initial dates is bad).

2. Second, third, fourth and so on dates are always much easier. The ice has been broken, and now you two are much more relaxed. You can do things that don’t require as much constant talking with each other, such as going to a restaurant. Seeing a movie, going to a party, or something else would be a good follow-up date. You still are with the other person, but its not as much one-on-one focus. Continue to get to know the other person, talk to them about new topics, etc.

3. Do not rush your new boyfriend or girlfriend to meet all your friends. Make sure that you really like them before they are introduced to your friends as your significant other. Its generally bad timing to take your new boyfriend shopping with all your girls as a third date, and equally bad to take your new girlfriend to watch the Monday Night Football game at someone’s house.

4. Rules for the beginning of the relationship can be tricky, since it’s a sensitive time. You want to impress the boy or girl but you don’t want to seem flashy or egotistical. You want to seem caring but you don’t want to seem like you would hang on their every word. There is a fine line on both of those. The main thing though, is to be relaxed. Being tense and nervous is a bad sign.

5. Feel confident, you finally have had a few successful dates. A guy or girl likes you and wants to spend time with you. This could get serious. Excitement, accomplishment, nervousness – life is wonderful, right?

The Game: So you’ve landed your friend a boyfriend or girlfriend. Good job. A month of successful dating, you have a lot in common, hell, you even got your first kiss. All tires are turning and you’re driving into uncharted territory. You’ve got a long way to go, but don’t be scared. You brought a map for this windy-ass road.

Rules with Friends:
1. As hard as it may be, you must hang out with your friends as much as possible. With dates, talking online or on the phone, hanging out at each other’s houses, new girlfriends and boyfriends will take up much of your time. But if you have a routine – movie night every Friday, watching football every Sunday, hanging out at the mall after school – you must maintain the routine. Your friends are the most important things in your social life. They will be there for you and you don’t break up with friends. You must maintain their respect and friendship. If you ignore them, don’t expect them to want to hang out with you once you’re single again. You can’t shelf your friends.

2. Do not take your boyfriend or girlfriend every single time when you go to hang out with your friends. They do not have to be with you every moment when you are out of the house. Bringing your boyfriend with you and your friends shopping is counterproductive. Everyone needs time alone with his or her friends, to talk, gossip, hang out, and unwind. If your significant other is with you at all times, you will feel suffocated, and it may cause a too-soon breakup.

3. Listen to your friends’ feelings. If they think that you are ignoring them and spending too much time with your boyfriend or girlfriend, they’re probably right. Your friends will be just as key to your happiness and success in high school as your boyfriend/girlfriend will. Spend an equal amount of time talking to them and hanging out with them as you do with your boyfriend/girlfriend to avoid unneeded drama or hurt feelings.

Rules with Significant Other:
1. Do not hang out with your new boyfriend or girlfriend too much at first. Going out four times a week when you just started dating is probably too much. This will most likely lead to tiring quickly of them, hurting your friends’ feelings, or the killer – your boyfriend or girlfriend thinking you will always hang out with them this much.

2. Be honest and upfront with them about your intentions to hang out with your friends. In the first few weeks of dating that person, make an effort to hang out with your other friends – without her included – and make it clear that its “boys night out” or “girls night out” and that they are not included, so they know that you will have a social life apart from them. When a couple becomes too dependent on each other for entertainment, it ends up hurting both people.

3. Although it is acceptable to walk them to class or eat lunch with them sometimes, do not make it an everyday habit to walk them to all their classes and eat lunch with them. Your friends will become bitter towards you and your significant other, and you will tend to be bored. If you mix up having lunch with your friends and your boyfriend/girlfriend, you will have more to talk about, more to do, and more fun in the process. Its just common sense.

Communication:
1. Although you should spend ample time talking to your boyfriend and girlfriend in school, on the internet, and on the phone, do not make it your number one activity. This will lead to you tiring of each other, or worse, one tiring of the other quickly. You two will need space from each other to live your lives, and you don’t need to know everything there is to know about each other.

2. Past relationships. This is a topic that should not be discussed until you guys are in a very serious, committed relationship, or ever. One person should not ask about the other person’s past dating life, because it almost always leads to anger, argument, and possibly breakup. I know you may be curious, but if you really need to know, ask a friend discreetly. If you two have been dating for months and months and months, it’s probably a safe topic, but never early on.

3. Sex life. During the teenage years, especially in high school, there is an abundance of pressure to hook up, have sex, et cetera. When you are in a relationship, there tends to be added pressure, since you see other couples in the hallway making out, or you see other couples at parties going to bedrooms. It just seems logical that if you’re dating this boy or girl, you, too should be trying to get laid? Not necessarily. Going too far, sexually, early-on in a relationship can a lot of times hurt its long-term potential. No two people have the same views and pleasure-thresholds, therefore it takes work to find out how far each partner wants to go and then sacrificing on both parts to try and find a happy medium. If the girl wants to only kiss, and the guy wants to have sex, there is a large gap here. Both partners will generally have to sacrifice and try to find a place where both can be happy, or else someone will always feel like they are getting the short end of the stick and move on. Although it may be frustrating when your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t want to do something in bed that you do, you have to respect the person’s decision and not force them to do anything. It is never appropriate, in high school or at any age, to force someone to do anything in bed that they don’t want to do. Such pressure will lead to a sure breakup and possible legal trouble. Respect that some people aren’t as sexually curious as you.

4. Talk to each other about where you think your relationship is going. It’s not a first date topic, but after a few weeks, it’s appropriate. If one person wants a long-term relationship and the other person wants a one-month fling, there is a problem. Try to bring up this topic gently and without making it sound dramatic and potentially like a breakup speech, if you want to express that you’re only looking for a fling. This is a touchy subject, but clarifying this early on in a relationship, one-two months in, will save many emotions and heartbreak down the road.

Every good thing has an end… (postgame)

If the relationship goes downhill, after a week or after a year of dating, then the couple needs to talk about it. If someone is unhappy being in a relationship with that person, there is no sense to stay together. Both people will subsiquently be unhappy and staying together will do nothing positive. Although at times, you may feel like it’s not best to be in a relationship, such feelings will pass and you can work through these times. Generally, if you feel that you want to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, you should first wait a week or two, think about it, make sure that its what you want to do, and then talk to them. A lot of kids in high school break up on a whim and then later regret it. Make your decision after much thinking and do not rush it. A well-thought out decision is needed, since this can be one of the scariest times of high school life.

The Breakup – after making it clear to yourself and your significant other that the relationship is starting to reach its end, plan the breakup to try to reduce hurt feelings. There’s no need to be an asshole, but you need to get the job done.

1. When you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you feel your relationship is over, be firm. Try not to cry, no matter how hard it is. You still have feelings for them, and you don’t want to see them hurt, but sometimes breaking up is the only thing. If you start to break up – finish it. Don’t stop midway through the process just because it’s getting too complicated. It will be hard to break up, but if you are going to make your decision, make it as bold and clear as you can.

2. Pick a good time and place to break up. Do not break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend in public. Some kids do this in high school, thinking it will reduce the emotional blow on the other person, because they are in public and they have their friends. Wrong. Breaking up in public is the meanest and coldest thing you can do to someone.

3. Comfort them, but don’t coddle. When you break up, it is okay to say you are sorry. It is okay to give them a hug and tell them that it isn’t their fault. What you should not do, and will end up hurting you, is if you tell them things such as: we could get back together in the future, or that the other person will find another boyfriend or girlfriend quickly enough. Such things will hurt the situation.

4. Even if you are extremely bitter, angry, or no longer care about the person’s feelings, remember that the other person loved and supported you for months and years in the past. You should not treat them poorly, and do things that will intentionally humiliate them.

5. Expect anger or hatred from the other person. A lot of times, breakups will catch the other person off-guard, and they will be very crushed. Shortly, their depression will turn into anger and hatred channeled towards you. You may not think it is deserved, but just bear with the situation. If your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend yells, curses, calls you names, belittles you, or even spreads rumors about you (as is popular in high school), just remember that it is to be expected, as childish as it is. Kids aren’t used to dealing with these emotions, and in hardships, they turn to petty name-calling and revenge to try and make themselves feel better.

The Ex:
1. If you want to be friends with your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, that is fine. It will take some work, and it may not be easy, but it is possible. After you break up, leave a period of a few weeks or months where you avoid, ignore, and block out your ex. You both will need time to heal from the breakup, and neither of you will be thinking straight if you try to be friends right after a breakup. Spend a few weeks apart, then maybe talk for a few minutes, in public to keep it clean, and see if you two can get along well enough to be friends.

2. If the other person stalks you – via the phone, in person, or over the internet – asking to get back together, or trying to talk to you about your past relationship in an angry, emotional way, then you just have to ignore them. Some boyfriends and girlfriends have a hard time realizing that something is over, and when this is the case, you just need to avoid them at all costs until they become sensible again.

3. Don’t trash-talk your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend to your friends or anyone else. Spreading rumors, making fun of them, detailing the other person’s personal life, or doing other things to seek revenge is a horrible thing to do. You two cared for each other and shared good and bad times with each other. Its not appropriate to then try and hurt the other person’s life, simply because you’re not still dating. Exes can do some mean things – but don’t be one of them. You’re a better person than that.

Dating is an at-times scary prospect, and a lot of kids cannot deal with the situations presented to them. They are inexperienced, insecure, and this can lead to some bumps along the way of high school dating. But we learn from our mistakes and learn from our broken hearts, so don’t run from it. Dive into dating, experience new things, and find something good from it all. In the end, you will have happy times and sad times from all relationships, and if you learn to value the good times, you will always come out on top. Respect whoever you’re in a relationship with, don’t be scared to fall in love, and make your teenage years a blast.

And remember, use a condom.

I like the last line